Yoyo Ma

Yesterday,

I had a break down. I left a meeting halfway because I couldn't take it. It was so strange I was just looking at my client mouth his words but I can't hear anything, my mind just froze and I just wanted to eat steak. So I really did, I left and took a cab down to my favourite steak house at My Village and I ate 2 portions of 250g Ribeye steak. It was SO good I promise you. I went home to sleep. I did nothing. I just slept. 

Today,

I am still feeling the after effects. I don't know what this is. But I feel this heavy feeling still hovering over me. I ate and cried while eating my subway, I think people were like wtf whats wrong with her. A kind man asked if I was ok, so I turned to him with my mouth stuffed with my tuna + egg mayo sandwich, and I just nodded and told him that I was just very moved by Yoyo Ma's music. And then he laughed, and I laughed and we laughed and I continued to eat my sandwich and continued to listen to Yoyo Ma.

Tomorrow, 

will be better, with Yoyo Ma by my side. 

BTW,

if anyone is wondering why did I put up a selfie pic of myself instead of Mr Ma since the title of todays post is in honour of him... its because I recently got some eyelash extensions with Kiyone + Lim. so. OF COURSE must take selfie. Very natural eyelashes and I even put some pink lashes at the side. hehehe. It was so well done there's like zero irritation and it feels so light and nice.

But it was so funny because I fell asleep and I had a nightmare whilst getting my eyelash extensions and I woke up very violently. Like my arms just jolted upwards and then I also did a loud snore + snorted sound thing and I woke up realising where I was and I was like OMG IM SO SORRY I SLEPT AT 6AM. and the kind lady who was clearly very shocked just kept saying "oh its okay. daijoubu~daijoubu~~" I think she could tell that I was extremely embarrassed. But it was so funny, I am laughing to myself now as I am typing this hahaha. 

Light

1.40pm: I can't do this anymore. What more is there to go through. I am tired. I am so tired. Understanding the world and growing older comes at a price, suddenly you realise that evil is so prevailent. Evil everywhere, sin and desire, desire and sin. A cloak of melancholy has just been thrown over my head. I know if I remove the M.Cloak I will see the light of Day 2, and day 3 and day 4 and day 5 and day one hundred and twenty three, but no... In the light I realise everything, in the light I see everything and feel everything and it is absolutely terrible. Let me hide in this Darkness, for Light has lost its worth. 

Only Rachmaninoff can save me now. 

Stamina

Your skin in your autobiography,  tell tale of your physical and emotional stamina. I didn't do so well today. I'll try again tomorrow. 

Me to you.

When I received your emails, I was so elated. I made my own postcards out of scrap magazine pages and words that were at present. So I froze the moment of the making forever in the front of the postcard. It is me capturing time from now, and sending it to you in the future. (maybe next week?) The words in front are from the Nows around. 

I'm now sending you a bottle of time and emotions in the shape of a card and words. Thank you for wanting to write. :) 

xx 

x

Hi.
Its been a busy day. I said bye to Kate. We made a card and exchanged it. I stuck furry panda stickers everywhere on it. so, Bye forever.

What have you been doing? I've been reading a lot and also buying a lot of books, more than I should. At the moment I am devouring "Letters from a Stoic" which is an amazing philosophy book that you need to study at least once in your life. Within the past month, I have received at least 3 copies of fault in our stars from various sources but that is one book that I refuse to read. I don't know, I'll probably save it for a rainy day.

I feel lost today, maybe I'll find my way tomorrow.
oh and also, I'm finally sleeping with my arms un-bound.
I hope to dream tonight. I hope to dream.

Parcels and the Past.

Things that the postman brought to me today:
a) Homemade jam from Oma all the way from Germany. Opa sent lots of flax oil too.
b) Shoes from the team at Melissa

The feeling of receiving something from someone, through someone else , is an interesting experience if you come to think about it. I love letters, postcards, parcels. (and of course lovely things like shoes bags clothes, who doesn't...) Especially when they come from another country, theres something just very magical about it...like it comes from another world. But whats more interesting is using this to reach out to your future self. My brothers say this is totally loserish because I have no one to mail to so I mail myself letters and postcards. Which is total Rubbish with a capital R because when I came back home the other day I found a postcard on my table, from Myself in Amsterdam. It wrote :

" I hope you're safely back home and you survived all the plane rides. But I have a question: What is the most important thing that you've learnt while you were here? You are also most probably missing the cold at the moment while you are reading this because its probably very very hot back home. But while you were here, you kept complaining about the cold. Which is a lesson that I've learnt whilst here and I will share with the You in the Future when you are home. It is this: you will never be happy unless you find contentment in the present. Enjoy the Now, because every Now is different and you will miss it. Stop comparing and live in the present. Well, enjoy the heat while you can. I am freezing at the moment.

X
TEE, AMSTERDAM, DEC14 "

Lessons from my past self, and a very very relevant point to ponder about at the moment. The past me has succeeded in reaching through time to impact the present me. How is that loserish excuse me brothers from the same mother. Do it, I'll even write you one if you want! I am writing this not for the eyes of the many, but for yours alone: for each of us is audience enough for the other. So leave me an address in the comment section and I promise to mail you a postcard wherever you are in the world with thoughtful words. :)

Market

Thoughts: Nothing is forever. To be everywhere, is to be nowhere.

Valentino Pre-Fall 2015

Can we begin to talk about how absolutely beautiful and stunning this collection is? 
Absolutely adore!!! Sheer dresses with embroidered stars and planets and magical stuff. Total inspiration for more embroidery work. You can view the full collection here, then you'll totally get what I mean by BLOWN AWAY.

And can I also please add that I am SO INSPIRED by Valentino's SS15 ad campaign images. I love them to no end!! You can view the whole series here.  I like how mysterious every picture is, every single girl has a different expression that makes me ponder about what she's thinking or whats going on in the photo....which is amazing because it creates thought and stories in my head. Lenne introduced me to the photographer who shot the campaign images, Michal Pudelka. Please check his work out, you will go insane. I am seriously overwhelmed now, just clicked on his portfolio and like...omg....everythings just like omg. 

So heres what I suggest: 

look through Michal Pudelka's work  before you sleep. Ponder on one or two images that stops you...then think about everything about the image. And then close your eyes, think about the image again, and then think more about it and slowly drift to sleep. In the morning, write down your thoughts.

Thursday

1.00pm

She came on board, but I realised she left a stray hair curler at the back of her head. She sat next to me. I looked at her, her grey hair all nicely curled and she had on a nice dress. I looked at the stray curler at the back of her head. She turned to smile at me. 

230pm

"Jamie your neighbour is at the door!" 

Jamie ran to the door and stood there watching Yumiko, a small petite asian girl standing outside the gate. Why don't you let her in Jamie? "I don't like her", he said. "Mommy also said that she can't come in anymore because I am still eating." I looked at Yumiko as I closed the gate behind me, "why doesn't Jamie like me?", she asked with wide eyes. 

515pm

Banana cake, hot choco and a book. I waited for my next meeting to start. 30 more minutes to go. Before I left, I stood up to use the toilet. It was locked. Someone was inside. I waited for 15 minutes. I was getting annoyed. I knocked once. "excuse me, you are taking forever". No reply. I waited. I heard another flush, followed by another flush, followed by another flush. Whats happening. I wonder who is inside. I am preparing my angry face. Need to get it set. 

The door opened. An old lady hobbled out. 

9pm

Dinner conversations about dream meanings. Black ants crawling. Also, what is art? 

"I used the sage leaves to smudge my aura", I said as I continued cooking golden mushrooms in the pot of chicken stew. "and then, the next day I had two red eyes...". and oh yay, I found a large piece of chicken. Did I give it to you? I forgot. 

12am

I need to let it go. But I can't. I still feel so annoyed because she was so inconsiderate. Maybe I should pray, dear god, please help me to feel positive about this particular person. She annoys me to no end now. Forgive me, for I'm only human. 

1.00am

Emails. 

155am

I need to sleep. My thoughts drift towards you. If you want someone or something bad enough, you'd do anything. right? Guess not. I don't know. I'm tired. Goodnight. 

Marcel Proust.

In reality, every reader, while he is reading, is the reader of his own self. The writer's work is merely a kind of optical instrument, which he offers to the reader to permit him to discern what, without the book, he would perhaps never have seen in himself. The reader's recognition in his own self of what the book says is the proof of its truth.

-Marcel Proust, Le temps retrouve

Back to school, thoughts, tears and memories.

Today I went back to school.

But no longer as a student, I went back for a guest consultation session. whoohoo, I was obviously very nervous talking about myself in front of a large group of people, I mean, sure I've done workshops and stuff, but omg what do I say about myself? Hi my name is teresa and errrrrrrrrrr....what do I do. I don't even know what I do. My mind is just thinking "omg later I want to eat tom yam soup but at 1230pm will there be a long queue? will there be a lunch crowd? omg I'm so hungry".

But everyone was great, thanks for having me. :)

-

I shall talk more about my past school memories, they weigh heavily on my mind today.

As I walked around class and around the school earlier, it really brought back a lot of memories. I visited the toilet where I cried for at least 3 hours almost everyday. I also visited the table on the 3rd floor where I used to hide and do my work behind the wall. I loved school until my final year. And in the last year, I absolutely hated it. Hate is a strong word, but I really hated it more than I hate vegetables and pigeons. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed learning and exploring so much...the creative process was what I enjoyed the most...and I think that was what kept me sane.

I guess everything happens for a reason and not everyone is perfect. Not going to name names but some people were very very mean, and I think what hurt the most was not knowing why or what happened. That, alongside with isolation made me withdraw even further. But thank you, thank you for putting me through all that and breaking me, it taught me so much about resilience and everyday I just got stronger and stronger.  If I didn't go through all that, I wouldn't know how to face rejection, I wouldn't know how to deal with negativity, I wouldn't know how to grab a bull by its horns, I wouldn't learn how to be alone, I wouldn't learn the true meaning of determination, I wouldn't know how to tune out negativity...hell, I wouldn't even have found my love for embroidery.

One of the reasons why embroidery became my solace was because I didn't need to talk or think at all, I could just sit down in class and keep myself busy forever. It was a monotonous action that kept me sane and I just poured out all my emotions onto fabric, stitch by stitch. I almost quit school half way, I was crying every single day after school and people I used to call my friends, I ended up fearing the most. There was so much anger and sadness, like a whirlpool of turmoil and emotions pent up inside....there was a period of time then when I could totally relate to why someone would want to bring a gun to school and just shoot everyone. IM SERIOUS. I was so crazy. And when I thought about it, I just smiled to myself because I was so angry I wanted everyone dead. I even wrote poems about certain people dying, and how I would kill them. It was a very dark period, those who actually knew me would know that those days were the darkest in my ENTIRE life. And then I made a stupid mistake: I cut my hair short, like a boy. I thought if I identified as a boy, it would make me seem stronger...(this led me to write about gender in my dissertation) I literally became a boy, I wore boys clothes, I waxed my hair, I sat like a boy,  I walked with my shoulders hunched more (which really looked very silly but I thought I looked quite man). I did all these just to feel safe. I didn't even like short hair but I did it to protect myself. So silly right? But that was how it was then.

Maybe it was retribution, I wasn't exactly a saint in the past as well. Call it quits, whatever you want to call it. But I found light in darkness. One very important lesson that I learnt is that NO ONE is responsible for how you feel. No one at all but yourself. This lesson is so valuable, it is crucial that everyone understands this.

A famous person once said "How people treat you is their karma, how you react is yours".....HOW TRUE IS THAT!!!? DESHOU!?

ok I'm done ranting! the end! no more!
but to cleanse the negativity in the air, lets all take a listen to Bach: Brandenburg Concerto in G Major, shall we?

yes...
the world is now a better place. How can it not be, when there is curly fries at macdonalds.

Noisettes

Ever fallen in love with someone?
Ever fallen in love?
In love with someone
Ever fallen in love? 
In love with someone
You shouldn’t’ve fallen in love with

I can’t see much of a future
Unless we find out what’s to blame
What a shame
And we won’t be together much longer
Unless we realize that we are the same

Hands bound

I've been sleeping with my hands bound for the past 1 week.

My mom walked into my room to check on me sometime during the night and when she saw my hands bound she quickly untied me and she got scared like omg is someone in the room!? IS SOMEONE IN THE HOUSE!? And she quickly woke me up and whispered loudly "IS THERE SOMEONE IN THE ROOM?" but I was so confused like omg what time is it now...but anyway, after grasping hold of the situation, I finally found the words from my sleepy braing to tell her that I tied myself up. And she gave me this weird face like "oh.ok............???" and left my room. It was a weird moment, I think she was just glad that we're safe, but now she has to deal with the thought that her daughter might be struggling with a weird BDSM fetish. But I was so tired I just tied myself back up and went back to sleep.

Btw, I DONT have a BDSM fetish. I mean, if I did I would totally say that I do...but I don't. Its just that I have this very bad habit when I sleep, I will overly scratch myself or I will keep rubbing my eyeS until it becomes so swollen in the morning that I can't even open it. And I can't even feel anything in the process until I actually wake up. So I needed to teach my hands a lesson. Actually, this hand tie method is a modification from 3 other methods I used to do in the past, and this is probably also the safest.

The first time it happened was last year so I used a satin ribbon to tie my hands to my bolster, so I still can go to sleep comfortably. But the position of my hands still allowed me to rub my eye sub consciously...so the next night I tied each of my wrists to a 1.2 litre water bottle filled with water so I wouldn't even be able to lift up my arm. But as I slept and fidgeted about, the ribbons became loose and I ended up rubbing my eye AGAIN! So the third time I was very very determined to go to war with my Evil Sleeping Self. I seriously feel like my sleeping self is a self destructive person. But anyway, so the third time, I bought those large hair rubber bands and looped them around my nike dumbbell on each wrist. This way, the rubber bands wont become loose in the night and I wouldn't be able to lift my arms up to rub my eye or scratch myself.

RIGHT?

no.

Somehow, my Evil Sleeping Self is very very strong. I was able to lift my arm up and subconsciously attempted to rub my eye and the dumbbell hit my cheek bone and I woke up immediately like what the fuck. Hurt like hell. WELL, but I guess it also did serve a good purpose to stop my self destructive hands from destroying my eyes. I actually slept with two dumbbells tied to each of my wrists for about 1 week last year, I had this mentality that it will "condition" my sub conscious to stop doing self destructive things. So after a week, I tried to sleep without the dumbbells...and VIOLA...no more self destructive hands. ITS GONE!

and in 2015...
now ITS BACK. Last week my self destructive evil hands came back to visit me, and its been a week now that I've been tying my hands up to sleep. So tonight, I'm going to try sleep without tying myself up, I hope nothing happens.

*fingers crossed*

but you probably don't care because you don't have self destructive hands...and you're probably just wondering how the fuck did I take that photo.

A Tale for the Time Being- Book Review

For all you bookworms who's looking for a new book to read, this is a book that you have to have to read. I enjoyed this 85%, I laughed and cried together with it. I'm quite an easy cry-er though, but this is not a sob story so...rest assured. It is a book on life, death (oh lots of it), time, space, religion, philosophy, conscience and moral choices. There are also very interesting themes explored such as schoolgirl bullying, unemployed suicidal salary men, kamikaze pilots... which are all widely associated to Japan's culture. I love this book to no end. You have to read it. 

Here are some quotes that I picked out that struck a chord in me: 

(on blogging)

"It made me sad when I caught myself pretending that everybody out there in cyberspace cared about what I thought, when really nobody gives a shit.And when I multiplied that sad feeling by all the millions of people in their lonely little rooms, furiously writing and posting to their lonely little pages that nobody has time to read because they're all so busy writing and posting, it kind of broke my heart." - Nao, pg 27

"... the fact is that I just turned sixteen and I've accomplished nothing at all. Zilch. Nada. Do I sound pathetic? I don't mean to. I just want to be accurate. Maybe intend of graduate, I should say I'm going to drop out of time. Drop out. Time out. Exit my existence. I'm counting the moments..." -Nao, pg 7

"You can feel life completely by taking it away" - 'Harry', pg 88

"A wave is born from deep conditions of the ocean," she said. "A person is born from deep conditions of the world. A person pokes up from the world and rolls along like a wave, until it is time to sink down again. Up, down. Person, wave." - Jiko, pg 194

(on Nao's grandmother)

"I was still thinking about what she said about waves, and it made me sad because I knew that her little wave was not going to last and soon she would join the sea again, and even though I know you can't hold on to water, still I gripped her fingers a little more tightly to keep her from leaking away." 

-Nao, pg 195

Schlaf gut

That feeling when you reach home and your bed cries out to you to lie in it. 

OK IM COMING.

Gutenacht!

Moonlight, and my trip to Mars.

What a lovely night it was when like minded creatives come together to dine under the stars in a beautiful quaint space. A perfect space to connect with nature. Imagine : bathing in the open when its raining because nobody can see you at all, using the telescope to look at the sky, basking in the sun whilst during morning yoga... this place is AMAZING. And actually, if you want to come experience or use this BEAUTIFUL space...you can soon! More details coming up when its finalised. :)

Conversations about moons and stars and nature and goddesses got me very interested and curious. It was a very magical night. But anyway, I had a very beautiful dream last night and I have to share it.

My Trip To Mars

I dreamt that instead of travelling to different countries, travelling to Mars was now possible. So I was on the shuttle to Mars with a handful of people. THE VIEW WAS AMAZING. There were so many stars, like I was in the glitter make up kit belonging to a giant. It felt like I was really there. My hands pressed against the window and it felt so real. The stars, the sky, the darkness. I remembered the tour guide saying that were only 4 days a week in Mars, and 7 hours each day. So at that moment, the planet shifted and suddenly I could see earth, and I was floating up so high and I could see earth so clearly. And 7 hours was up, and we had to go back home to Earth. So we kinda plunged down, there was a lot of purple fumes around, and the motion made me feel a bit sick.

But anyway, so we landed on earth and somehow out of ALL places, I landed up at raffles city.

Raffles fucking city. are u serious.
From mars to raffles city. I was so pissed off with the dream choice that I woke up. Like, if theres actually someone in my brain who was actually in charge of controlling or writing my dreams, (I think there is, because whilst typing this...the name Bob popped into my head..I think it  wants to be known as Bob.) why didn't he choose somewhere else better so the transition would be more acceptable. But no, Bob the Writer of Dreams, had to choose Raffles City as my landing point from beautiful mars.


Bob, you are fired.
Goodnight.

Thoughts on Tinder.

Yesterday I deleted Tinder again. But this time I'm certain its for good.

After 2 months of being inactive, I clicked on my Tinder app to see what I missed. After 10mins of swiping swiping swiping and replying msgs, I started to question my intentions. like, whT am I doing? I could be watching Bobs Burgers. And suddenly I realised: Tinder is not for me. It is an absolute waste of time. I mentally made a list of reasons why I myself or other people would possibly use it.

1. To make friends/ meet new people.
2. Because they're lonely/empty, to search for companionship.
3. To find love. *cues: WE FOUND LOVE IN A HOPELESS PLACE*
4. To make conversation because they are so fucking bored. 
5. Ego boosts.
6. For fun. 

I shall begin to elaborate. But please note that these are all my own opinions and thoughts based on my own experiences.

 

1) TO MEET NEW PEOPLE 

You meet ALL KINDS of people on tinder. Some married men, some in a relationship but JUST looking to make more friends, some single, some balding. I've been single for the past 4 months so this is all very new to me. New and exciting! I get to meet new people whoohoo! I start swiping, pew pew pew pew, left, right left right. Guys talk to me, say nice things...its a very nice feeling...INITIALLY. Met some arty farty guys, talked about modern art talked about Picasso...met some guitarists, talked about 21st Century music, discussed Romantics...I'm like, wow, this is great, I can have so many conversations to discuss so many things and ideas. 

But after a while, they start to reveal themselves as empty people. Empty as in, not mentally empty...some of them are very smart and successful people, but emotionally....they have a gaping hole in their hearts that they need someone to fill. Do I want to be a filler?! Hell no. And do I need someone to fill me? WAIT WHAT??? Why do u need that when you have books and shows like Bobs Burgers and things to do like painting or cycling or travelling. Which leads me to point number 2. 

2) THE SEARCH FOR COMPANIONSHIP

It really surprised me as to how many people can't stand being alone, and its so scary because its like a drug...or a plug. Yknow in Japanese theres this word called kotodama, which are spirits that live inside a word and gives it special power. To me, the kotodama of alone feels like a leaking bag of water...like a cell shrinking or something. They're leaking and they need a plug to stop it, or for someone to re-fill them up. 

so, imagine this: having a very normal text conversations and suddenly "my ex used to like this." Like, whuuuuuuut? I don't care!? But ok, lets see where he wants to go with this. "Yknow the funny thing is, you have the same style as my ex". WHUT. and proceeds to say how she broke his heart and blablabla. I mean, I would love to care...but really, I don't. I would not allow myself to be the Aunt Agony to random guys I meet on Tinder like wtf, I'd rather light a candle and watch the wax melt therapeutically on a porcelain plate whilst listening to Clean Bandits.

And then theres this other kind...totally nice guy, funny, charming. So he's like "hey would you like to go to this concert with me?" and i'm single right!? So yeah sure ok lets go. Classical music lets go. And then after talking more, I began to realise that all his friends are attached, he basically had no one. I mean, HE SAID SO HIMSELF. And it feels like we're only hanging because I happened to be available, and if I'm not...then ok lets go back to tinder and find someone else to hang with. 

I mean, theres really nothing wrong hooking up on Tinder. Meeting guys/girls and going on dates...whatever makes you happy right? Thats if both parties feel the same way, like "oh I totally want to date you but lets be clear that I'm totally seeing like 100 other people, so you have to compete for my time and lets look at my calendar, shall we schedule for a date again like 2 weeks from now at 12pm on a wednesday? Starbucks? (because we're totally hipster?) " and then maybe thats ok. But most of the time its not like that, there are people who are realllyyyyyyyyyy searching for love and CANNOT accept that there are other people other then them. POINT 3. 

3) WE FOUND LOVE IN A HOPELESS PLACE. 

OMG. This is more scary than a shrinking cell or a leaking water bag. This is a fucking parasite. THEY CANT LIVE BY THEMSELVES. They need a host to attach onto, and most of the time...the host gets rid of them, right!? DESHOU!??! 

Imagine you're in a happy land, all creatures are friendly and kawaii and everything is just happy. You're strolling in a beautiful japanese garden and then a cute fluffy caterpillar lands on your arm for some strange reason. Remember, this is a happy land...all creatures are friendly so you don't freak out, you stroke it and say "aww so cute, what is your name" and the caterpillar looks at you with beautiful eyes and says "my name is Ichiko desu. Please continue to stroke my back, no one has done this for me in such a long time, you make me happy. I am so happy to meet you desu." and the caterpillar continues to look so cute and adorable so you continue to make it happy and you continue to walk about talking to Ichiko San. You have found a friend! And then!! You see a fat cat!! You want to play with the cat because YOU LOVE FAT CATS. And suddenly, Ichiko San starts to wiggle on your arm a lot to get your attention as it says "hey! I'm here! talk to me! play with me!"

Even though its HappyLand, your skin starts to feel irritated. So naturally, you proceed to want to put Ichiko San down on the ground and say "stop! you're hurting me!" because at this point now, your skin is fucking burning. But Ichiko San says NO! as it releases spikes into your skin to latch onto you as it screams "I NEVER WANT TO LET YOU GO". You are now in pain, so you look at Fat Cat and all it can do is meow and purrrrr and look pretty and it really doesn't give a shit about you. And you turn back to look at Ichiko San as its getting bigger and bigger because its sucking your blood, so you grab a rock from a nearby koi pond to smash Ichiko San. Ichiko San dies and you really need to see a doctor because obviously Ichiko San is poisonous as hell. But before you leave, you turn to grab Fat Cat but Fat Cat is not there anymore. Camera pans 360 degrees around you as you shout "NOOOOooooooOOOO. " as the sun in Happy Land sets in the background.

*credits roll:*

Ichiko- played by psycho girl/boy 

Human- played by kind hearted normal humans

Fat Cat- played by Tee. (Hehe, meow~ burp~)  

Btw, I digress a little. Yknow I have all these kinda stories in my head all the time, like you can be eating an ice cream and I can think of a story for that as well. But when I type them out on whatsapp to send to my friends they'll just go like "tee, why am i not surprised. You're so weird". My mom doesn't even reply. Which leads me to point 4.

4) I AM SO BORED, WHO SHALL I TALK TO.

Not gonna lie. The whole point of having a blog is to document real REAL feelings and thoughts/ opinions. After breaking up, I struggled a little with this question. I love texting, I love sharing ideas and opinions, and I used to text over the smallest thing like and tell him everything even like if I just farted or "omg! I just saw a snail eating a banana!!! " and I don't care if it doesn't lead to a conversation I JUST WANT TO TYPE AND TELL SOMEONE. 

So for awhile, I kept texting my mother. And she picked up on "omg!".  Now whenever I tell her something like "mommyyyyyy, i'm so hungry, I haven't eaten yet :( :( " and she'll be like "OMG!" and i'd be like 0_0. 

So if you ask me why did I even download Tinder in the first place, here's your answer: I think Tinder served a conversational purpose for me. I could say the most darnest and lamest thing and I wont care whether they judged me or not. So a typical tinder conversation for me would go like: 

Guy: "hey hows your day"

Tee: " hey it was great! hey anyway, what do you think about customised suicide? Like, I just had this thought about it the other day, not that I want to kill myself but if there is such a thing because we live in such a time that everything can be customised so what do u think? Do u think people want to customise like the soundtrack of their death."

Guy: "HUh? What? Oh anyway, I went to the gym today." 

which leads me to point number 5.

5) EGO BOOSTS 

Guys and girls both love ego boosts. Right? Maybe you don't, but I'm positive that everyone enjoys that once in awhile. But theres a difference between getting your ego boosted AND being extremely insecure. Do you play mario karts? Or actually, recently I've started playing this game with baby abram on the iPad called angry birds racing or sth. Basically its like the angry birds characters in cars and instead of flying and hitting things, now they race. SO theres this feature called power up, which you press when you just need a little bit more to win, or maybe you're already winning, you just wanna WiN moRE.

So I had this opponent, that had a very lousy car (didn't play that long so didn't collect as many coins as me.), and he/she kept clicking the power up button but it wont make a difference because you are still slow! He/she need to collect more coins to zhng their car first. But me, I AM SO PROUD OF MY ANGRY BIRD, it keeps winning races. And even though I was already winning, I appreciated that power up so that I could go even faster and WiN MoREEEE. whoohoo. 

Same as Tinder I guess. 

I know of a couple who both use tinder for this exact purpose. They use each other's Tinder accounts to swipe random people and then feel good when they swipe them back and then laugh about it. Which is kinda of a lame reason to use tinder, but I've a lot of friends who use it for this very reason. For Fun. Which leads me to my final point.

6) FOR FUN

I went to vietnam last year with a group of close friends and over lunch they were like "TEE, LEND ME YOUR PHONE. oooo you have tinder! LET ME PLAY" So I'm like "play!? whats there to play on tinder" and I just learnt that friends just use friends phone to swipe random hot or not people...for fun! I found it fun for a couple of reasons too. I used it to make decisions. 

Like for example: Feeling hungry on a monday night, what should I eat. Macs? KFC? MOS Burger? Wendys? I CANT DECIDE. HELP ME.

*logs onto Tinder*

Tee: "hey. macs, kfc mos burger or wendys. pick one." 

Guy1: " macs."

Tee: "hey. macs, kfc mos burger or wendys. pick one.

Guy2: "Yoshinoya."

Tee: " mmm. ok i like you" 

ITS SO EASY TO MAKE DECISIONS NOW. Just ask a random fella. 

But anyway so here's my conclusion: Yesterday was my first time logging in after 2 months. I deleted it for good. I realised that while there were fun conversations, they don't last. Even people I meet on Tinder, they don't last! Some I get bored of and maybe vice versa because theres this element of "next, next, next" like...Ok this doesn't work out, ok next, ok next, ok next...and its ENDLESS because you CAN meet a lot of people on tinder. its like a spiral. A bad one. Which is something I don't really want to encourage. Instead, I want to take time to foster current friendships with REAL friends and REAL people that are already in my life and make an effort to and vice versa! 

And for sure, I don't imagine meeting my future partner over Tinder, although that being said there ARE some people who find their supposed soul mates on Tinder. which is kinda like....whuuuutttttt. But then again, remember Ichiko San? Maybe if he didn't die or latched onto someone, he would have found a colony of other Ichikos. And they can mate and continue to give birth to more Ichikos, and that would really be a fucking nightmare, but they're happy! So, good for them!! As long as Ichiko stays the fuck away from the human race and humans continue to love Fat Cats. :) 

Past.

Cleaned my room today and found some very strange photos. Also I found a poem that I wrote in 2008 titled: Hate M 

"It left me wondering 

Why you were doing all these. 

After all, you barely know me. 

You barely know me at all. 

As I was mending my broken heart; the one before you, 

You came by and swept me away. 

Before I knew it, I was okay. 

Now time is running, things are changing. 

What do you want from me? 

I am turning negative from hate. 

So many negative ideas in my head.

But alas! No! This has to stop.

It's driving me insane. 

You're causing me too much pain. 

With a swift thumb, I deleted all of you. 

Although now I keep longing... 

I know, this shall pass too" 

Wah siao. 

18 years old and emo as hell. 

Diy embroidered canvas shoes

New year new shoes right?! Nah, that doesn't work, I am totally a shoe person, it's more like new month new shoes. But that being said, I can also hear my mom yelling "THERE IS NO MORE SPACE IN THE CUPBOARD, PLEASE! NO MORE SHOES!!" 

Sorry, I digress. 

So anyway here's what you need: 

1) cotton canvas shoes 

2) pencil 

3) tapestry needle (size 22?)

4) embroidery thread 

5) scissors/ cutter 

To elaborate on point 1) cotton canvas shoes: I've tried embroidering on different thickness, Supergas (scroll down for picture) are slightly thicker so embroidering more detailed stuff will be a little bit more difficult. But it can be done. I would recommend cheaper shoes like those selling at Rubi. Currently they're having this promotion 2 pairs for SGD$30. Their shoes are totally basic, perfect for crafting, canvas is also softer... which means that it would be easy to penetrate through. 

Just FYI: whilst working on this, I pricked myself many many times. So just be careful! Also FYI FYI, I drew a smiley face and some flowers on paper with my finger blood... Which reminds me of when I was in primary school I used to forget to bring my pencil/ pen and my teacher would look at me and say "how are u going to write?! Using blood?!" 

Using blood from your fingertip to write is technically impossible, unless you are looking for a fontsize of about 30. Again, I digress. 

Here are some pics. 

Yay it's done! Personalised embroidered sneakers from Rubi. 

Embroidered Superga sneakers. 

It's very easy! Try it! :) Embroidering on the rubi shoes are easier as the canvas is thinner, I took about 6 hours for each side... So total time taken for a pair of embroidered customised shoes would be about 12 hours. 

For the superga sneakers, the canvas was too thick for the needle to penetrate consistently, so I used a punch needle... But even so it bent the tip of my punch needle ;( I will do another post on punch needle embroidery soon! :) 

SEEYA. x

Playlist for Jan

(headphones : urban ears) 

I'm not even going to pretend that I don't like taylor swift or even katy perry. I LOVE taylor swift and I even bought her deluxe album on iTunes. ok. 

I think my music taste really ranges, there are days when I would only listen to classical (debussy, bhrams...) and there are days when I would be feeling very Country, or folky...bluegrass even. And then there are the mainstream days, and the indie days. 

But here are a few of my favourite at the moment. They're a mixture of new and old songs: 

TEE'S PLAYLIST FOR JAN

1. When I find love again - James Blunt 
2. Just be - Paloma Faith 
3. Heart is a drum - Beck (morning phases) 
4. The History of a cheating heart - Damon Albarn
5. Silver Spoon - Lily Allen 
6. You can be so cruel - Royal Blood
7. Mozart's House - Clean Bandit 
8. Human - Cher Lloyd 
9. Aint been done - Jessie J
10. Life for rent - Dido
11. St Patrick - Pvris
12. Hands - Jewel 
13. Wreck of the day - Anna Nalick 
14. Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy
15. First Flight Home - Jake Miller
16. Love of mine - Nickel Creek 
17. Ugly Heart - G.R.L
18. Drowning - Banks
19. Build me up from bones - Sarah Jarosz
20. When did you stop loving me - Hunter Hayes 

Forgotten voices

This book, everyone has to read. There are SO many lessons to be learnt. It puts your life into perspective, and suddenly you realise that whatever you're going through, is actually NOTHING compared to what some of these people have gone through. 

You need to read this.

Here are some quotes and stories that I've picked out. 

"Once he said to me, "You are very nice, I will never kill you with the others." Then he showed me a beautiful flowering tree and said, ' I will kill you separately and I will put you under that tree.' I once painted a self portrait with that tree. I sold the picture and called it 'Childhood Memories', but I'm certain the buyer didn't know what kind of memories they were."  - Alicia Adams, Polish Jewish slave labourer 

"We did not have to force the Jews to those places, they were given the command and they went like sheep, no resistance at all. The children were with them, small ones and bigger, everybody was killed- a mother, a father and child would lie down together. We thought about this ourselves-how parents would feel if their child was shot in their presence- and we shot the parents first because the child would not feels as much. Sometimes women would cry, but in most cases they didn't, neither did they shout." - Juozas Aleksynas, member of the 12th and 13th Lithuanian police battalions. 

"A very nasty incident happened on the way. In front of us were a young couple who lived not far from Lingen. The father had a little child on his hand and the mother had a child in her arms. One of the SS came and said to the little child, 'Would you like a sweetie?' The child very shyly said, 'Yes' So the SS man said, 'Open your mouth.' The child did so and he shot through the mouth of the child. My father said, 'My God! Whats going to happen here!'. -Ruth Foster, Young German Jewish woman.

"But I want to tell you how hungry I was. I had no knife, only a tin and I thought I would go and try to cut a piece off one of the dead. I had to have something to eat. I started to move on all fours, and just then they started taking them away. I mention this to show how terrible hunger is. Had I done it, cut from the dead, meat, I don't think i could have lived with myself, but at the time...hunger is the most terrible thing. Only someone who has experienced it can understand. It can make a man do the most unbelievable things." -Ignacz Rub, Hungarian Jewish man. 

"There was friendship, a sense of humour, there was singing even in the most terrible moments." - Michael Etkind, Polish Jewish youth. 

"   But I said, ' But we have to talk about something, a dream, something we will have when we get back from this horrible camp.'

   And we did it day after day until he said, 'I can't take any more, I don't want to live.'

   And he just dropped dead. And I tell you, its the will to live that kept you alive, it was really that fragile. Psychological and spiritual strength, I think, did give some support to the body, and if you didn't have it, you died. " - George Hartman, Czech Jewish youth.

-

2014

Ushering the new year in with these people couldn't be any better. Drunken slurs, happy faces, games and crazy dares. I really can't be happier. 

- 

2014 has been such a good year. Sure, I've had my down moments, moments of folly and being naive. But I have learnt so so so much this year, spiritually and emotionally, even in terms of creativity. Looking back, in 2014 I hosted my first embroidery workshop overseas in Hongkong and had an exhibition there as well. And then from there I've had so many new an amazing work opportunies, even having an exhibition in Japan and being flown over to Tokyo for UNTITLED's ss15 showcase. I really can't complain, i love my job.

2014 is also kinda like the first year of work for me. I've worked hard and was able to fund my entire trip to Europe by myself. Not a single cent from my folks.  Ive also learnt topay my bills on time, the responsibility of setting aside money for the family... Maybe this is adulthood, maybe this is what growing up is about. 

In 2014, we also ended a relationship with my best friend who was also my lover. But I can say now that it is really for the better as we have both grown and matured so much more than we would have if we were still together then. We separated and then in our own time, we explored the world and we grew so much. It took me the heartache and pain to suddenly realise that no one else other than ME is responsible for my own happiness, and until I realised that... I would have been depending on other sources or him, which isn't very healthy to begin with. But best of it all is that we are still very good friends now, and I wouldn't trade anything up for that at all. 

2014 also taught me about compassion and contentment. There is soooo much darkness and negativity in this world we live in. There is so much greed, evil and suffering. And in a world and time such as this, one really needs to learn the magic of being content. And in a world filled with so much negativity and suffering, Compassion is also a beautiful trait to have. 

2014, thank you for the lessons and the heartaches and the friendships made. Thank you for all the countries that I've been able to travel to. (Like omg? Just realised I've been to hk, vietnam, Japan, perth, korea, London, Berlin, amsterdam, prague, iceland, frankfurt all in one year, that's really crazy for me) 

Dear 2015: May you be magical.