Do you know how many times I stabbed myself with a needle whilst working today? Like a combination of wounds ranging from a simple prick to the tip of my fingers to taking a jab into my nail whilst trying to pull to needle out. I actually counted, it was 12 times. 12 freaking times.
Sunday, March 6, 2016
When I was in kindergarten, maybe 5 years old, we used to sing this song about bodies going over the ocean. It went like: My body went over the ocean, my body went over the sea, my body went over the ocean oh bring back my body to me....bring back...oh bring back...bring back my body to me...to me...bring back...bring back...bring back my body to me.
I'm sure you know this song. And I would completely freak out whenever the class sang this song with so much cheerfulness it was super creepy. Its so wrong I even asked my friend "why are we singing about our bodies being lost in the ocean? Who is going to bring our bodies back?" My friend would just shrug and say " I dont know?..." It was only when I was older, I found out that I understood the lyrics wrongly..It was My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean. But it never changed the fact that whenever I hear this song, I get the chills. Like yknow in those horror films when something bad is gonna happen and then this creepy af nursery rhyme chimes in with a kiddish tune...it still freaks me out.
Anyway, for awhile I've been feeling super fat. Like omg what is this buldge doing here, and why are my thighs touching?! ARGH I CAN FEEL MY ARMPITS!!! Like my body doesnt belong to me anymore. Yknow, like you look at yourself in the mirror and you go like...who is this. Growing up I've always had body issues, I never felt comfortable with myself. I look back at past photos of myself I go like...wtf my arms are so skinny I'd give anything to go back to THAT body, and the funny thing is, I know at that point of time when the photo was taken, I was thinking that my arms are fat. Its just very tiring and demoralising to live this way. Everytime after I eat something delish and I feel full and happy...that happiness doesnt last because after awhile I start to pinch myself and say "argh shit, what did I do..." My favouritest food in the world is mash potato btw. I can eat tubs of it and end up being chubs. I still eat them anyway. Btw in the photos in this post, its Truffle Mashed Potato from Poulet and I can promise you that its the best thing ever in the whole wide world. Its SOOOO creamy and soooooo soft and the after taste of truffle just lingers in your mouth like omg I feel fat? Not today satan!
But anyway so, I've decided that since I was never contented with my body, I'm going to start appreciating it now because ultimately.... its MY body. If I'm going to lose weight, I'm going to do that because its the healthy thing to do, but not because I want to fit into society's modern beauty standards of having a flat tummy and thighs that dont touch because, what the hell... look at this happy mashed potato.