"Stay with me"
and he said, "always"
Saturday, November 21, 2015
When I was about 10, I received a call from NKF (National Kidney Foundation) after a health check up in school. I was in the toilet when the call came through so I didn't actually talk to them, but my helper told me I had a call from NKF. And being paranoid me as usual, I spent the next few days in paranoia thinking that I had something wrong with my kidneys. I thought I had kidney failure or something bad from the health check up in school. I remember going to the windows and just looking out at the kids playing soccer in the field opposite my house and thinking "they're so lucky to be alive and well." I was so convinced that I was going to die hahahahhaa.
But I thought about it during the week amidst all the chaos happening in the world, each day is really a Gift. After reading all these shared Facebook statuses about the Parisians who survived the attack, I realised that life is so precious and fragile...here today, gone tomorrow. Really puts things into perspective for me. One of them wrote something along the lines of when she thought she was going to die, there was no anger, no hatred, just whispering I love you to every of her loved ones in her head. She just wanted to let everyone close to her know that she loved them.
I'm scared no doubt, that something like that might happen close to home. So i'm going to live like today's my last day. If I wake up tomorrow, I'll be super glad that I have another day with my loved ones and friends. I think that'll be an amazing way to live life, everything will be put into perspective and small petty things wont matter as much anymore.
But if today's my last day, or if I'm going to live like that...it means that I have to eat chicken nuggets everyday too. Dilemma.
Monday, November 9, 2015
A typical day of errand running would most likely consist of buying 80++ embroidery hoops and 100+ threads and other knick knacks like erasers because they keep disappearing, I found one under my pillow the other night. Im not kidding. I usually do work on my bed so sometimes whilst moving around the eraser might have slipped under my pillow. So I buy lots of erasers but it always seems to run out and they all disappear!
Maybe something like Toy Story, my room studio has a version Eraser Keshigomu Story, where all the erasers who were mistreated come together to plot revenge or to build an army so their strategy is to get all the erasers to go in hiding so that I will buy MORE erasers to feed their army. Holy shit, they're so smart!!!
The kind people at Aide De Camp probably knows how much I need to carry on a day to day basis for work. I run workshops so sometimes I need to lug all my thread supplies + embroidery hoops + scissors AND erasers, I end up carrying more than 3 tote bags. They've very kindly gifted me with one of their Nadine bag to use. So the other day I came home to this:
(image credit: adcbags.com)
This has been my everyday bag when I go for meetings or workshops since the day Aide De Camp sent me this gift. Check the rest of the collection here: http://www.adcbags.com/collections/nadine
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
I'm reading Murakami's book called Underground.
Its basically a collection of first person eyewitnesses and survivor's accounts of the Tokyo gas attack in 1995. I've never really thought much about it but its actually very scary because I take the train everyday. How these men carried out these attacks were so subtle and people didn't notice anything until it was too late. Like some of them would say everyone was just rushing to get to work, even when they noticed "strange liquid" on the floor, everyone just continued minding their own business, just thinking about getting to work on time and about the work that awaits them at the office.
"When I was out infront of Kodemmacho station, certainly that one block was in an abnormal state, people were dropping onto the ground like flies, but all around us the world carried on the same as ever. Cars were going by. Thinking back over it now, it was eerie. The contrast was just so weird. But on television they only showed the abnormal part, very different from the actually impression. It just made me realize all the more how frightening television is." - Masanori Okuyama, survivor.
Things I want to further study on:
1) By Stander effect
3) Air flows in trains
Friday, October 30, 2015
Today actually started out as a not so good day, I over slept, I didn't get much work done, my threads ran out, missed my stop, lost my ATM bank card at the train station. It could have gone so much worse, but everytime something "bad" happened, I learnt to counter it by making it something good.
The moment I overslept, I thought, ok great, at least I had a good rest. Thanks for the good rest! When I realised I ran out of threads, I thought, ok since I can't embroider now I'm going to spend some time reading. When I missed my stop, I took a walk and was thankful that I could enjoy a nice short walk. I practiced being positive for almost everything that when I realised I lost my ATM card, my first thought was "ok, this is a useful reminder to be more careful next time" before I proceeded to make arrangements for a replacement card. There was absolutely no panic or fluster. Also, nothing bad happened even though I lost it in the afternoon and only realised it at night.
And now at the end of the day on my bed, when I think back about the day (as I always do before I sleep)... It feels like such a great day, and I'm thankful for everything that happened. And my hope is that We will always see the good in everyday for as long as always. It makes life so much more....liveable and light.
Thursday, October 22, 2015
I taught a class yesterday and it was such a pleasure to meet everyone. I am so deeply encouraged when I saw familiar faces re-attending the workshop...just to create something new again. And also for all the positive feedback, arghhh, you guys completely made my week. \^_^/
Also, I'm in the midst of a stand still now, you know the feeling when you're just not sure what your goal is and suddenly everything just looks bleak and uninteresting? Even words don't come out the way I want them to. Its so easy to just slip away into being upset and depressed about being stuck, whiskey and coffee every morning, tears and gin every night...you know sometimes its very comfortable to be sad, theres a certain attraction to melancholy. And as a creative, sometimes Im drawn to that because it fuels me to create. Its sad to say but most of the time, I have the best ideas only when I'm down, nothing good ever comes out of me being happy. Does anyone else feel this way too?
So is there only one way for artists/creatives to go, and thats down and up and down and up... like a menstrual cycle that one expects to come once in a while. Is this normal or am I just getting too used to being down.
Monday, October 19, 2015
Have you ever watched this movie called Frequencies? If not, please go check it out. To very briefly sum it up: its about how everything needs to have the right frequency, even with people relations. Some people might emit very high frequencies and some very low, which is why they'd feel uncomfortable because the frequencies don't match up. (Btw, whatever I'm describing here is purely fiction.) So, in order to "balance" out the frequencies, someone must say a certain word and whatever anxiety or unhappiness or anger will go away.
I watched this movie months ago, I really loved it because of its original concept even though its a low budget production and some parts were quite cringe worthy. But but but but but, a certain train of thought just came to me during the week, what if...just what if, certain words really have certain frequencies that will alter the tension or balance out whatever unequal level of frequency amongst a group of people, or with your partner for that matter? Or even! Certain words that just elevate and make people feel a whole lot better. Words like "Thank You" or "I'm sorry" or "I love you". And of course at the other end of the spectrum there are also words that can bring people down.
And also, there is a completely different spectrum for people like me, i mean, have you EVER had this urge to just say a certain word out, just completely randomly. Like you're walking on the street and then you just feel like saying the words "cupcake" or "toenail" out loud even if you're alone?! This didn't make sense to me until I remembered the movie Frequencies. So like....
*walking along Orchard Road with le boyfriend when suddenly...*
Tee: SHINKANSEN!! (train in japanese)
Le Boyf: ???????
I don't even speak japanese, I just have urges to say random words out loud with much enthusiasm. Or like during dinner with le friends when suddenly....
Tee: FRAGOLLA!! (strawberry in italian)
Le friends: ?????????
and I don't even speak Italian. Speaking of which, I once had this dream completely in Italian. The only words exchanged in the dream were Fragola, Ciotolla, and bottiglia, I don't even know whether I got the spelling right but they mean Strawberry, Bowl and Bottle. But anyway, coming back to the point about frequencies, what if saying these words actually served a purpose to balance out some unbalanced frequencies around me so that things can go smoothly and well? ok, so at this point you're probably thinking that Im absolutely crazy, but please go watch the movie anyway.
Also, I went shopping at Ikea this weekend and bought house things. House things!!!! ooOooOooHHHhhh, felt like a grown up, but didn't like the feeling of responsibilities that came with it and just being adultish didn't seem like much fun, so proceeded to buy a carrot and broccoli plushie because vegetables are cute, don't eat them.
Sunday, October 11, 2015
Favourite moments this weekend :
Saturday: Stepping out of my house to this sight of my neighbour's kids playing out in the corridor. They were so excited playing with the bubble blower thingy. I had to join them, we played with bubbles for awhile, their positive and cheerful energy is so contagious, it completely made my day. :)
"Can I take a picture of the bubbles? They're so pretty!"
"Yes ok!! let me make more bubbles, ok now take a photo!!"
and his brother joined in...
"Take a photo of my scooter too!!"
Sunday: Looking at my boyfriend's happy face whilst inhaling the glorious smell of all the cheese. He's like a kid in a candy store because of the wide selection of cheese. Its his favourite place now because the smell of cheese reminds him of home hahahah. I couldnt go in, the smell was too strong for me. I went in with him once, and all I can say is... wow. no. When I see him smile like this, it makes me so happy :)
Last week I tried this self activity thing, to smile at 10 random people that you meet in your day. It completely changed my day, it was so positive and happy, esp when they smile back. Its the most amazing feeling ever. Like for an example, before getting off the bus... I recently made it a point to say 'thank you' with a big smile to the bus driver. Its a really good feeling spreading happiness and positivity. So this week, I'm quite excited to carry on my week doing exactly this.
Try it too! :D
Sunday, October 4, 2015
so the other day I had coffee with my parents at Hoshino and they had an array of japanese magazines for browsing. And I came across this section and it literally lit up my entire freakin week. Look at these!!! Theres like crochet meat, sausages, chicken, sushi, eggs, holy shit. I'm completely sold by brooch in the last image. So many ideas!!
Im currently thinking about a food embroidery series, since I'm always eating so much.
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Leo Tolstoy is one of my favourite authors of which his book, Anna Karenina is ranked as my favourite No.1 so far. I should also read War and Peace too, but my boyfriend is reading it at the moment (very slowly I must say) and I have a tendency to be overly excited about books...so he's worried that I might spoil the ending for him (I already spoilt Anna Karenina for him), so to be safe...I am waiting for him to finish it before I start reading War and Peace.
At the moment I have just finished another book by Tolstoy called The Kreutzer Sonata and Other Stories. There are 4 stories in here that all have the common theme of each phase of life having its own kind of love. I enjoyed it very much even though I must say that "The Kreutzer Sonata" made me extremely depressed for 2 days. This particular story was also banned in the 1890s because of its scandalous content. But anyway, Tolstoy's use of language is absolutely beautiful, the words he uses are simple but when they're strung together, they create the perfect emotion and mood that he wants the reader to feel.
I shall pull out 3 quotes:
"I suddenly felt that this fear was love, a new and even more tender and more powerful love than the one I had experienced before. I felt that I was entirely his, and that I was happy in his power over me"
"What these people don't seem to understand is that marriage without love isn't marriage at all, love is the only thing that can sanctify a marriage, and the only true marriages are those that are sanctified by love."
"Most of all those who see in others symptoms of the madness they fail to see in themselves."
Today I also learnt that sometimes not-so-favourable situations can actually bring out the best in people. In a situation where negativity prevails, instead of being influenced by this negativity...spread positivity and do good instead. I witnessed how much joy doing this can bring to a person: I was walking down a hill to the main road to catch a bus when it started drizzling. Also, the haze situation was really bad today. Everywhere looked so foggy and eerie when suddenly a cab driver pulled over and offered me a ride because he said that I shouldn't be out in this kind of weather and I still had a long way to go before I reach the main road. He sent me to my destination absolutely for free! I insisted on paying because this was his rice bowl, but he politely declined and said to me in mandarin that when everyones feeling not so happy about the haze situation, this was the least he could do to help turn the situation around, even if its for only one person.
Thank you Uncle, you have completely inspired me to live in a more gracious and giving way. You've taught me that good things can come out of difficult times. You've showed me how I can do the same for others too! \^_^.
Live life, spread love and show gratitude. My new motto in life. :D
Thursday, September 10, 2015
Actually, wanted to write about music today, but the haze situation has just peaked to its highest level (in two years!!) and it has succeeded in affecting me emotionally, making me paranoid about EVERYTHING. I mean, this is not good because I am already a very paranoid person to begin with...like for an example if I'm in a meeting, I'll start to think "omg did i close the windows at home?? holy shit, did I turn off the iron? Omg if my parents come home to a burnt house I am so screwed, argh is it too late to take a cab back home now to check? Argh I wish I could call the iron to switch itself off " but NOW, I have even more serious things to be paranoid about. Like omg, why do I have difficulty breathing ? Why does my chest feel so tight? Can people actually die from inhaling too much impurities? Omg i can't see, my eyes hurt. What if I open my eyes too long and omg holy shit, the wind is blowing in my direction now I can't see where I'm going, too....much...shit....in the air... arggghoguaew....*falls*
This literally sums up my whole day!The only time I could breathe normally was when I got indoors. It got even worse at night, I started to feel like there were clumps of particles in my eyes and they were getting SO itchy. I mean, cmon! I even had to order a double mc spicy burger just so I could force cry the impurities out of my eyes. T_T
To all my Singaporean friends, stay safe!! Wear a mask or a scarf (sahara dessert style)!! Eat more mc spicys, cry and cleanse your eyes!!
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
Wow it's been so long. How it going? So many things have happened since my last post on supermarket shopping. For one, im finally back in Singapore! And two, my dog died.
Things got pretty crazy ever since I came back. Work was so insane, it was just emails and emails and emails. And if you knew me personally, you'd know that I'm terrible with these things. Im the kind of person who likes to just unplug at the end of the day, read a book... Stare at the candle melting, lie down and howl at the moon or just peeling potatoes in a continuous strip at the end of the day. I don't want to come home and sit down and blog.
But also!! I am so touched because some of you have taken some time to email me or leave comments to say that you like my blog and my words (my words are mainly gibberish so thank you for even reading!!) and also asking me to update my blog, im so sorry!! Gomenasaiiiiii~~~
SO!! I am going to make it a point to blog frequently now.
So to start the ball (or blog) rolling again... Here's a picture of my tired shadow (and some nice flowers).
Friday, July 10, 2015
when I go to the supermarket im usually drawn to a couple of things instantly. And I end up buying a whole lot of them not because I need them, but because of the way they make me feel.
First on my list!
Preserved pickles and various vegetables. They are so weird and so nice to stare at. Almost like time has frozen for them. Like... A specimen. I buy these so I can bring them home to observe them. But my helper at home usually ends up cooking them. So, it's a win win situation.
Candles and tea lights! I love love LOVE scented candles absolutely. ARGH. I just want to lie in a pile of them and take deep breaths. I love them even more if they come in various shades! Like... Omg that's brilliant! Putting them all side by side and watching all the different shades melt together. Arghhhhhh. Usually before I sleep, I like to light candles and tea lights around my room and just... Watch them melt. I spend about 10-15 mins doin this, just staring at the light and the melting wax. It's really theraputic.
Tea light cups. I love these things. I buy too many of them, I don't know why but I'm just so attracted to small things like these... Like glass, nice small cups, small plates... I spend a lot of unnecessary money on these small things every month.
Shampoo. Ok I don't actually buy a lot of shampoo but I love looking at the POssibility of what the shampoo can do for my hair. Also if it has nice colors, even better! :D
On the side note, how are you? How is life? As I am writing this I am currently putting on a seaweed/ almond face mask. (Im super loving this mask btw but I will write about it another time, I need some time to test its limits and benefits) Its so hot these days, it's so important to take care of skin. Sunblock everyday! Xx
Monday, July 6, 2015
Three sleepless nights in a row.
I hold on to as much daylight as possible, it brings me temporary comfort. When night falls, my demons creep out from all over, engulfing me in terror and a crimson kind of darkness. I wish things were different, my circumstances are different, that my thoughts will be different too. But I'm made like that, who I am now...I have no regrets. But it seems that being here, I'm put in a box to conform and it makes me feel rigid...stagnant...depressed even.
And sometimes I apologise for wanting to get out of this box. I'm sorry Im sorry, I'll behave, I'll stay here. Is this box all there is to life? I want to get out, but I don't want to hurt people, I don't want to disappoint. I want to reach out and say, here I am...the world is so big, I am just this insignificant being in such a vast big world, I am probably nothing compared to the magnificence of this world, so take me as I am. Let me explore, let me learn, let me fall, let me get up, let me make mistakes, let me be wounded, let me cry, let me experience joy, let me experience danger, let me experience fear, hopelessness, failure, success, adrenaline, adventure, ecstasy. Let me experience all these, good and bad, but please just don't put me in a box.
I can't live freely, its like, I'm living under someone else's skin and the real me inside wants to get out and say THIS IS ME, but if I do...I end up hurting the people around me. And then the resentment level increases. And its just a downward spiral....sigh. Ok the end, rant over. Also, I miss you and you probably will never know that.
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
sorry for the lag. If you're following me on instagram, I am now in Germany but I have so many things to say from my past locations hence the late post! Travelling and blogging isn't the easiest thing because sometimes you get so lazy by the time you get back home and all you want to do is soak in a tub with lavenders and listen to Agnes Obel and exfoliate... not open your laptop and type. But thats what I'm doing today because I don't have a tub right now, and coincidentally I also ran out of bath bombs.
anyway lets talk about the train ride from Florence to Venice. Ok, scrape that. Lets talk about Trains. I love trains, especially high speed trains. They make my ears go fuzzy when it travels, and I LOVE that. I learnt a few things whilst travelling around Italy by train (Rome --> Florence --> Bologna--> Venice) so I will share it in hopes that it might benefit someone reading! :)
"How do I pre-buy my tickets? Do I need to pre buy my tickets? omg?? help??"
These were the questions I got really stressed up about before I left for Italy. I get stressed very easily btw, like omg I haven't done this, why haven't I heard from this person, is it going to rain, oh shit my period is here etc etc etc. But anyway, I decided that I'll just deal with the tickets when I got there. So lets say you just got to Rome and you want to go to Venice next week, get your tickets from Termini Station (Rome) at least one day in advance. You can even get tickets on the day itself but it depends on what time you want to reach your destination. Tickets get sold out pretty quickly. But take note that these are for trains that goes out of the city only.
"Everyone is asking me if I need help!"
Its true. I've never heard so many people ask me if I needed help in a day. Do I always look perpetually lost? But no, if random people come up to you and say "hi do you need help locating your train", first check if they have a station id tag, if not...even if you do need help, just kindly say no and move on. No one told me about this! The first time this happened to me was in Rome, I wanted to buy my tickets to Florence and I was observing how people bought tickets when suddenly this hippie girl with dreadlocks and all jumped in front of me and said "hey there! where are you going? do you know how to buy your tickets?" and I was like "errrr no." but my guard was down because I saw a lot of girls helping people buy their tickets so I thought in Italy its cool to wear your own clothes to work just as long as you wear a tag. So I let her lead me to a ticket booth and she punched in the numbers and proceeded to help me buy my tickets. But then after that she asked me to pay her a Service Fee. Like...what? And she was really taunty about it when I kept declining.
The second time it happened to me was when I was looking for my train. Honestly, there are so many trains and they have so many destinations, I couldn't find my train. This plump lady with a weird accent approached me again to offer help, but my guard was up now. I told her no its ok, but she offered very kindly to point me in the right direction, so I thought...oh maybe she's a kind person who's just being helpful. But nooooo, she kept following me around and asking me for service money. Thankfully a (hot) italian officer came by to ask if she was bothering me and told her sternly to leave me alone. He then proceeded to say in his thick and crisp italian accent when the wind was blowing his curly brown hair and that moment felt like a movie where he saves the damsel in distress and I am about to faint and he says... "for your own safety, please don't talk to anyone who doesn't have this id staff tag. for your own safety ok?" and he winked at me and smiled and my heart stopped. And he never sees the damsel in distress again because she leaves for another city. The end.
Here are some Venice photos, I shall leave you to enjoy the scenic beauty of Venezia (and occasional photos of me being weird).
I'll talk to you soon! Be safe when you take trains!! And talk to hot police officers and cute birds on the street!! And have a nice day!! Guten tag! x
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
I love love love old things. Like...REALLY old things. So when I was at the Foro Romano (roman forum) questions that ran through my mind would be like :
1) what happened here.
2) what did people do here.
3) who touched/built this exact spot.
I don't have all the answers, but I bought books at the museum because I really want thorough answers, I'll let you know when I have the answers.
but anyway can you imagine, many many many many years ago when these structures and buildings were built, they used to be completely functional home towns, and entertainment for people like you and me...and now they're all broken. If walls have ears (or eyes), can you imagine if I plugged in a thumb drive into the crack of the wall and transfer all that it has seen and heard all these many years...what kind of things would I hear and see. I am imagining EVERYTHING! Maybe I'll see someone being stabbed to death with a fork, or maybe I'll overhear love being spoken in a different language. i mean, lets imagine this together...what would have the wall seen or heard? If the wall is a hard disk, it would have stored so much memories and stories and this is completely fascinating to me.
These were built by people so many years ago, whilst they were building this...did they think or expect that many years later, a completely random 25 year old asian girl from Singapore would come by Rome and touch (and occasionally hug) these exact walls that they've built? This is why sometimes I like to speak to old walls, you know, like in Interstellar...the scene where the father was behind the library in another dimension. I would go up to these old walls and speak to them in a small whisper "hello....??.......... are you there??.... tell me what to do......... I will do it. What?? move right?? you want me to move right? Im blocking someone taking a photo? oh okok *moves right* hello...?........ are you still there??"
In Between Two Walls. "tell me what to do.....helloo????"
Behind the scenes of embroidering the Foro Romano.
This piece was fun.
I mean, all my pieces are fun, but for this piece I had such a comfortable "table" overlooking this magnificent view with a nice cool wind carrying the scent of a ripe banana blowing occasionally. Whilst working on this piece, I imagined that this place was restored to its former glory and I was a servant girl looking out of her window. I saw children running around laughing, I saw men pulling their cows and bulls. I saw a former Rome and I imagined so many stories of people who used to live and hang out here in the past. An example of a short story I would think of : My servant girl name is Selena and as I'm looking out of the window I see my master casually walking and talking with a smart man next to him. He looks up at me and waves. We are secretly in love. I have his baby, and the town people found out about this and burned me to death. The end
And before I knew it, I was already done with my piece!
and now I can take this piece of Rome back with me. :D
How are you? I hope all is well with you from whatever time and space you are reading this from, even if you're reading this from inside a wall. But remember, whatever you're going through...at least you're not like Selena, being burned to death for having a baby with her Master. And speaking of burning, I'm completely burnt from the sun in Italy, and prior to writing this, I set the bath running with a nice golden glitter bath bomb so before I get into trouble for allowing the water to overflow, I should go check on the bath now.