Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Back to school, thoughts, tears and memories.

Today I went back to school.

But no longer as a student, I went back for a guest consultation session. whoohoo, I was obviously very nervous talking about myself in front of a large group of people, I mean, sure I've done workshops and stuff, but omg what do I say about myself? Hi my name is teresa and errrrrrrrrrr....what do I do. I don't even know what I do. My mind is just thinking "omg later I want to eat tom yam soup but at 1230pm will there be a long queue? will there be a lunch crowd? omg I'm so hungry".

But everyone was great, thanks for having me. :)


I shall talk more about my past school memories, they weigh heavily on my mind today.

As I walked around class and around the school earlier, it really brought back a lot of memories. I visited the toilet where I cried for at least 3 hours almost everyday. I also visited the table on the 3rd floor where I used to hide and do my work behind the wall. I loved school until my final year. And in the last year, I absolutely hated it. Hate is a strong word, but I really hated it more than I hate vegetables and pigeons. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed learning and exploring so much...the creative process was what I enjoyed the most...and I think that was what kept me sane.

I guess everything happens for a reason and not everyone is perfect. Not going to name names but some people were very very mean, and I think what hurt the most was not knowing why or what happened. That, alongside with isolation made me withdraw even further. But thank you, thank you for putting me through all that and breaking me, it taught me so much about resilience and everyday I just got stronger and stronger.  If I didn't go through all that, I wouldn't know how to face rejection, I wouldn't know how to deal with negativity, I wouldn't know how to grab a bull by its horns, I wouldn't learn how to be alone, I wouldn't learn the true meaning of determination, I wouldn't know how to tune out negativity...hell, I wouldn't even have found my love for embroidery.

One of the reasons why embroidery became my solace was because I didn't need to talk or think at all, I could just sit down in class and keep myself busy forever. It was a monotonous action that kept me sane and I just poured out all my emotions onto fabric, stitch by stitch. I almost quit school half way, I was crying every single day after school and people I used to call my friends, I ended up fearing the most. There was so much anger and sadness, like a whirlpool of turmoil and emotions pent up inside....there was a period of time then when I could totally relate to why someone would want to bring a gun to school and just shoot everyone. IM SERIOUS. I was so crazy. And when I thought about it, I just smiled to myself because I was so angry I wanted everyone dead. I even wrote poems about certain people dying, and how I would kill them. It was a very dark period, those who actually knew me would know that those days were the darkest in my ENTIRE life. And then I made a stupid mistake: I cut my hair short, like a boy. I thought if I identified as a boy, it would make me seem stronger...(this led me to write about gender in my dissertation) I literally became a boy, I wore boys clothes, I waxed my hair, I sat like a boy,  I walked with my shoulders hunched more (which really looked very silly but I thought I looked quite man). I did all these just to feel safe. I didn't even like short hair but I did it to protect myself. So silly right? But that was how it was then.

Maybe it was retribution, I wasn't exactly a saint in the past as well. Call it quits, whatever you want to call it. But I found light in darkness. One very important lesson that I learnt is that NO ONE is responsible for how you feel. No one at all but yourself. This lesson is so valuable, it is crucial that everyone understands this.

A famous person once said "How people treat you is their karma, how you react is yours".....HOW TRUE IS THAT!!!? DESHOU!?

ok I'm done ranting! the end! no more!
but to cleanse the negativity in the air, lets all take a listen to Bach: Brandenburg Concerto in G Major, shall we?

the world is now a better place. How can it not be, when there is curly fries at macdonalds.

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