Three sleepless nights in a row.
I hold on to as much daylight as possible, it brings me temporary comfort. When night falls, my demons creep out from all over, engulfing me in terror and a crimson kind of darkness. I wish things were different, my circumstances are different, that my thoughts will be different too. But I'm made like that, who I am now...I have no regrets. But it seems that being here, I'm put in a box to conform and it makes me feel rigid...stagnant...depressed even.
And sometimes I apologise for wanting to get out of this box. I'm sorry Im sorry, I'll behave, I'll stay here. Is this box all there is to life? I want to get out, but I don't want to hurt people, I don't want to disappoint. I want to reach out and say, here I am...the world is so big, I am just this insignificant being in such a vast big world, I am probably nothing compared to the magnificence of this world, so take me as I am. Let me explore, let me learn, let me fall, let me get up, let me make mistakes, let me be wounded, let me cry, let me experience joy, let me experience danger, let me experience fear, hopelessness, failure, success, adrenaline, adventure, ecstasy. Let me experience all these, good and bad, but please just don't put me in a box.
I can't live freely, its like, I'm living under someone else's skin and the real me inside wants to get out and say THIS IS ME, but if I do...I end up hurting the people around me. And then the resentment level increases. And its just a downward spiral....sigh. Ok the end, rant over. Also, I miss you and you probably will never know that.