The Innocence of the Madness of Men

The moon these few nights is so bright, its beyond divine.

Conversations with the moon has led me to places. Am I existing or am I living to the fullest.
What is living to the fullest? I realised that life is a journey, its a journey that involves many people. Some people move further and climb higher places than you, and some people will remain behind. But its fine! I'm going to enjoy my own journey, at my own pace, climb as high as I can and use the people who climbed higher as motivation that it is possible. Sometimes you climb and you'll fall, I guess thats fine. Thats me now. I climbed up, liked the view and hung on for too long...got comfortable and didn't even know I fell...only realised when I hit the ground. Getting up is painful when you realise the bruises and the cuts,

but I'm going to climb again. If I fall, so be it, I'll die trying. Its better than lying on the ground wishing I'm somewhere else but here. If thats you, know that I'm rooting for you too, whoever and wherever you are. Lets get up now.

5H and comforting conversations.

This is a sign that I've been spending too much time on Pinterest.

I completely fell in love with the pastel ombre hair look that keeps appearing on my feed on Pinterest. So one day, (which is today) I decided....ok LETS DO IT!!!! Very much forgetting that many years ago (maybe about 5 years), I made a promise to myself to NEVER bleach my hair again because of all the traumatic hair wash experiences where hair would just clump together in a tangled mess that spells OMG DONT BLEACH YOUR HAIR. But today I did...in fact, I bleached it 3 times *insert painful laugh*

I also recognise its a bit difficult to get light colors on my hair because I've been dyeing my hair black regularly so my expectations were set pretty low. But when Ebina finished putting the colours, I was like yay, I almost have pinterest hair! ^^ Its still slightly yellowy at the ends but thats gotta have to wait till the next touch up session.

Anyway I had the most comforting conversation today with M, it has comforted me on so many levels I hope it comforts any one reading this who needs comfort on this issue too. So here goes... recently I noticed when I put on my bra, there is a bulge of back fat that oozes out from the side of the bra. I mean, it doesn't spill out so maybe 'ooze' isn't the right word to use... but HOLY SHIT HOW DID I ACCUMULATE SO MUCH BACK FAT. It was never there!!! But now it is!!! I started doing some weight training and cardio because I was soooooo depressed, like I don't even know my body anymore...who are you, and how did you get so fat! I confided in M today, like "babe, when I wear a bra now, there is a bulge. A bra bulge. i'm damn sad, like seriously" and she looked at me and said "i also have." And that, ladies and gentlemen, was easily the most comforting conversation I had today. 

Its ok to have imperfect bodies, it'll never be the same as how it was 5 or 10 years ago, so chill fam... its cool...

Reality

No man can ever grasp the whole impersonal neutrality of a universe. 

That is hidden under the mists of subjectivity. We are merely variously constructed sounding boards for the noise of the pine tree falling in the forest. The sound is potential, even if no one is there to hear it. Just as radio programs are all around us clogging the air, needing only a certain sensitive mechanism to make them a reality, a fact. So, what is reality? The definition is so unclear. It could be the basic truth, the fact of matter, impersonal, neutral...or it could be for each individual, what that individual chooses to make of his corner of the world. 

Memory Box

I asked A why didn't he practice this week. He was always a star pupil. 

"I lost my memory during the week. It took everything, I forgot how to play the violin."

" oh? Tell me how you lost it." 

"Okay, so... when I was sleeping, a big man came into my room and he put his hands on my head and then in the morning when I woke up I forgot everything. I forgot the spelling words I memorised and I forgot how to play the violin."

" oh? so...how do you know how to play it now?"

" I have a back up memory box, I keep all my memories inside so I can just open it and then breathe in the memories and I'd have it in my head again. So since I have my memory back now, I'll practice my violin this week." 

xngt + snox

Nothing and no one is irreplaceable. Remember that.

I got reminded of this again today and it changed my perception of things and people. I mean, I've always known this, but sometimes you get so caught up in things you forget that in reality... nothing lasts forever. What you needed last year might not be what you need this year. What you want NOW might not be what you want in the future. The job that you once thought you loved might be the reason why you're unhappy. The friends that you thought you loved, might be the reason for tears at night. The girl/boy that used to proclaim their love to everyone for you, might end up being the one leaving you for someone else someday. Everything changes. Everyone changes... sometimes too suddenly. Maybe everyone is just temporary, on stand by...until the next lover comes, until the next job comes, until the next student comes, until the next "breakthrough" comes, until the next next next next next.

so much negativity tonight, but lets stop and look at this picture I took last year. I really like this photo now...probably will like it until the next roll of film gets developed and I'll find another photo to like then... *sulks*

OK TEE, STOP IT!!!!
heres a picture of a snail that trusts me not to sprinkle salt on it in hopes to watch it fizzle and die. Lets name it Snox. Snox has probably watched many of his friends and family snail members get crushed on road pavements or burnt by naughty kids. Snox sees me offer a flower petal (that could have been a trap), but advances (very slowly) towards me anyway. Bad things might happen to it on other days no doubt, but if Snox keeps living in fear for those bad days then Snox will never experience good days too. Tee is going to be like Snox.

Mondays

Nice things today: 

• fresh air after heavy rain.
• conversations with overly enthusiastic kid.
• conversations with random snail.
• warm tea in cold mall. 
• long bus rides home (on double decker bus) 
• fish soup with extra slices of fish.
• having ice cream whilst walking up a hill.
• new music. 

I think about specific words sometimes. Like repeatedly think and say the word until it loses its meaning. This process is called semantic satiation. 

H told me about a boy. She smiled at me and said "you know yesterday, a boy died because he jumped off from this building. He didn't like his family, so he wanted to die." 

died. how fragile is life. repeat until it loses its meaning...feel uncomfortable, then start to think of Venus. 

Silver Steve.

Today they told me about Silver Steve. Put in a coin and Silver Steve moves. Silver Steve wears sunglasses because he doesn't want to look. Looking can be a very dangerous and scary thing. The eyes, I mean. I asked J, "why do you think he has sunglasses on? Its not very sunny is it?".

"maybe its because when so many people look at you and expect you to do a certain thing all the time  it gets tiring and scary. So maybe he puts on his sunglasses as a kind of guard against people. Its role reversal, they're actually the exhibits and he's doing the watching." 

So I thought to myself, thats nice, ok, so...thats what I'm gonna do. Like, Silver Steve. 

Plants and Sun

They have a beautiful house with lots of plants out in their balcony. Lots of sunlight. Lots lots lots. Happy space. Some months I come and the plants are shrivelled up and drying drying dying dying, some months I come and the plants are bright green and full of life. I think about the people living in this house sometimes. 

When alls well, they water water water. 

"gambatte! grow grow grow!" 

When alls not, they wither wither wither. 

"sigh...tomorrow...tomorrow's tomorrows" 

I think our surroundings are a reflection of whats going on in the inside. Some sort of chaos sometimes. What if its like that with me, on good days I treat myself well, on bad days I neglect everything and everything dies. ok nononono, not like that. Water your plants everyday people!! 

Literally and metaphorically. 

World

 "In the World, I notice persons are nearly always stressed and have no time... I don't know how persons with Jobs do the Jobs and the Living as well...I guess with a world so big Time gets spread very thin like butter all over the world, the roads and houses and playgrounds and stores, so theres only a little smear of time on each place, then everyone has to hurry on to the next bit..." 

- Jack, Room. 

2015 --> 2016

Dear 2015, 

First of all, thank you. Thank you for being such an amazing year. Though it wasn't always perfect, I've learnt so much through all the good and the bads. I'm gonna type them out, hopefully able to categorise them so its easier to read back for future reference. 

Self love: 

In 2015, I was single, but it has truly been the best times of my life. I learnt that I needed to love myself first before I was able to accept love from anybody else. I spent time reading, learning about the universe, about the solar system, I watched movies by myself, I picked up new hobbies, I started writing, I started painting, travelling, having lunches by myself. I felt whole, like by being with myself, theres this hole that was being filled. I was finally learning to give myself the love that I've always been to eager to pour out to someone else. I've learnt that people close to you will never always be there, so self love is very very important. 2016, you're gonna see more of this. 

Nature and Social Media:  

I remember that day, I was walking somewhere around Novena and I just looked up at the sky and the trees and plants around me and I felt such a strong connection to nature. I felt one with everything. At that time, I was not really caught up in the social media scene yet, I only used my phone for music and plants vs zombies and occasionally my mother would whatsapp me to ask if I would be coming home for dinner. I didn't have all these attachments to the rest of the world, I didn't care about anything else other than whats happening at the present moment...the air I breathed, the sound of the trees, the smell of freshly cut grass...even children crying and screaming pleased me. I swear, the thoughts i had were like "oh how beautiful life is, to be able to express desire in so many forms" and I would smile to myself and continue my day. Towards the mid to the end of the year 2015, this changed so drastically. I can say that I got so addicted to social media and how the world perceived me. I would be on my phone ALL THE TIME. Like constantly refresh the app to see how many new followers or likes I have. I used to only have a few hundred followers on Instagram, I would just post whatever I felt like posting, whatever inspired me...I would just post it. Even if the photo doesn't look nice, I would just do it anyway. Now I have a few thousand followers, but its never enough. Everytime I post a photo, I feel like I have to get some form of validation from it. Like, "this photo only has 600 likes?? Oh dear, maybe I'm not good enough anymore..." which is completely rubbish! I never had these thoughts when I had only such a small audience. It would get to a point where my day gets drastically affected if the number of likes for a photo drop, or if i notice my following dropping. I hated that kind of life. Everything irritated me. I had very very busy thoughts, even in stillness and quietness, my head was always very noisy. I didn't like it very much. Btw, these are MY thoughts and reflections, so you might say "oh but it really depends on how you use it, I have 1 million followers but I feel fine, in fact I LOVE IT", so...good for you but all I can say is that I didn't like my life like that. I had to stop posting for awhile to realign myself again, I had to constantly ask myself "what is social media for? Why am I posting this photo? Do I want to encourage people or do I just want validation?" Its difficult, but in 2016, this is my main goal... to drop all worldly attachments and only focus on building people up and spreading positivity and to be true to myself. 

Gratitude and Comparing:

I've taken a lot of things for granted in the past year.  I've let a lot of people, opportunities and time slip by. One thing that I can admit is that Im very competitive and I also worry a lot about money. Some months I can earn such a large amount that I can just not work for half a year, but I'm always saying "shit, its not enough, its not enough, i need more, i need more" and I'd never stop and appreciate what I already have. This made me feel very drained out. Whatever I did was never enough. Whatever I had was never enough. I got emotionally tired very easily and it didn't feel very good. It was only towards the end of the year that I learnt how important and magical Gratitude is, that my life started to take shape again and I felt somewhat renewed. I think I still have a long way to go, but I've recognised this error in thinking and this means, no more comparing. Everyone is different. Someone else will be better than you, and someone else will be better than that someone else better than you. Its a never ending cycle so in 2016, I would continue to learn to be grateful for everything, large or small, that is given to me. 

Positivity:

I've always been the "play it safe" kind of person. I'd look at things with the most negative mindset like "oh I will NEVER get this job." and so I wont get disappointed when things don't happen. I realised I am so negative sometimes just to have someone prove me wrong and when no one actually does (because they're busy with their own life!), I sink into this cesspit of realisation that maybe I'm really that bad...maybe its true...maybe I'm alone...nobody wants me...i'm never going to amount to anything...i'm never going to do well... and then it becomes and downward spiral (aka self fulfilling prophesy) but in actual fact none of this is true, unless you want it to be! The most important voice you should listen to is God first, and then your own. The world is full of negativity that will try to weigh you down... you can only try so much to help someone up if they refuse to. Come 2016, I will continue to learn to see the good in everything and everyone (until proven otherwise...) 

Ok, lengthy post. so also, its the time of the year again where I say that I'll try to blog more regularly. last year the goal started out well, and then it became harder and harder to blog as the number of viewers increased. Not a bad thing, but it felt different writing to a larger audience...but this year I'll try again. ^^ (also...less nuggets and more fruits)