Monday, January 4, 2016

2015 --> 2016

Dear 2015, 

First of all, thank you. Thank you for being such an amazing year. Though it wasn't always perfect, I've learnt so much through all the good and the bads. I'm gonna type them out, hopefully able to categorise them so its easier to read back for future reference. 

Self love: 
In 2015, I was single, but it has truly been the best times of my life. I learnt that I needed to love myself first before I was able to accept love from anybody else. I spent time reading, learning about the universe, about the solar system, I watched movies by myself, I picked up new hobbies, I started writing, I started painting, travelling, having lunches by myself. I felt whole, like by being with myself, theres this hole that was being filled. I was finally learning to give myself the love that I've always been to eager to pour out to someone else. I've learnt that people close to you will never always be there, so self love is very very important. 2016, you're gonna see more of this

Nature and Social Media:  
I remember that day, I was walking somewhere around Novena and I just looked up at the sky and the trees and plants around me and I felt such a strong connection to nature. I felt one with everything. At that time, I was not really caught up in the social media scene yet, I only used my phone for music and plants vs zombies and occasionally my mother would whatsapp me to ask if I would be coming home for dinner. I didn't have all these attachments to the rest of the world, I didn't care about anything else other than whats happening at the present moment...the air I breathed, the sound of the trees, the smell of freshly cut grass...even children crying and screaming pleased me. I swear, the thoughts i had were like "oh how beautiful life is, to be able to express desire in so many forms" and I would smile to myself and continue my day. Towards the mid to the end of the year 2015, this changed so drastically. I can say that I got so addicted to social media and how the world perceived me. I would be on my phone ALL THE TIME. Like constantly refresh the app to see how many new followers or likes I have. I used to only have a few hundred followers on Instagram, I would just post whatever I felt like posting, whatever inspired me...I would just post it. Even if the photo doesn't look nice, I would just do it anyway. Now I have a few thousand followers, but its never enough. Everytime I post a photo, I feel like I have to get some form of validation from it. Like, "this photo only has 600 likes?? Oh dear, maybe I'm not good enough anymore..." which is completely rubbish! I never had these thoughts when I had only such a small audience. It would get to a point where my day gets drastically affected if the number of likes for a photo drop, or if i notice my following dropping. I hated that kind of life. Everything irritated me. I had very very busy thoughts, even in stillness and quietness, my head was always very noisy. I didn't like it very much. Btw, these are MY thoughts and reflections, so you might say "oh but it really depends on how you use it, I have 1 million followers but I feel fine, in fact I LOVE IT", so...good for you but all I can say is that I didn't like my life like that. I had to stop posting for awhile to realign myself again, I had to constantly ask myself "what is social media for? Why am I posting this photo? Do I want to encourage people or do I just want validation?" Its difficult, but in 2016, this is my main goal... to drop all worldly attachments and only focus on building people up and spreading positivity and to be true to myself

Gratitude and Comparing:
I've taken a lot of things for granted in the past year.  I've let a lot of people, opportunities and time slip by. One thing that I can admit is that Im very competitive and I also worry a lot about money. Some months I can earn such a large amount that I can just not work for half a year, but I'm always saying "shit, its not enough, its not enough, i need more, i need more" and I'd never stop and appreciate what I already have. This made me feel very drained out. Whatever I did was never enough. Whatever I had was never enough. I got emotionally tired very easily and it didn't feel very good. It was only towards the end of the year that I learnt how important and magical Gratitude is, that my life started to take shape again and I felt somewhat renewed. I think I still have a long way to go, but I've recognised this error in thinking and this means, no more comparing. Everyone is different. Someone else will be better than you, and someone else will be better than that someone else better than you. Its a never ending cycle so in 2016, I would continue to learn to be grateful for everything, large or small, that is given to me

I've always been the "play it safe" kind of person. I'd look at things with the most negative mindset like "oh I will NEVER get this job." and so I wont get disappointed when things don't happen. I realised I am so negative sometimes just to have someone prove me wrong and when no one actually does (because they're busy with their own life!), I sink into this cesspit of realisation that maybe I'm really that bad...maybe its true...maybe I'm alone...nobody wants me...i'm never going to amount to anything...i'm never going to do well... and then it becomes and downward spiral (aka self fulfilling prophesy) but in actual fact none of this is true, unless you want it to be! The most important voice you should listen to is God first, and then your own. The world is full of negativity that will try to weigh you down... you can only try so much to help someone up if they refuse to. Come 2016, I will continue to learn to see the good in everything and everyone (until proven otherwise...) 

Ok, lengthy post. so also, its the time of the year again where I say that I'll try to blog more regularly. last year the goal started out well, and then it became harder and harder to blog as the number of viewers increased. Not a bad thing, but it felt different writing to a larger audience...but this year I'll try again. ^^ (also...less nuggets and more fruits) 

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