On Free will

I don't know the difference between what I want and what I'm trained to want.
I can't tell what I really want and what I've been trained into wanting.

What i'm talking about is free will. Do we have it or does God dictate and script everything we do and say and want? Do we have free will or do the mass media and our culture control us, our desires and actions, from the moment we are born. Do I have it, or is my mind under the control of a spell? Do I really want a big house, a fast cars and lots of money? Do I really want these things? Or am I trained to want them? Are these things better than the things I already have? Or am I just trained to be dissatisfied with what I have now? Am I just under a spell that says nothing is ever good enough?

If you have no free will, you don't really know what you know. You don't really love who you think you love. What do you have left to live for?

"I say I love you, but I don't want to be used anymore"

Mt Kota Kinabalu, Fairies and Taylor Swift.

I'd never imagine myself climbing a mountain ever...EVER. I'm completely not sporty at all, I'm adventurous at times but not to the level of wanting or desiring to fly out of singapore to climb a freakin mountain. But thats what I did... and I have LOTS  to say about this like many weeks before this I was trying to train for this trip but I ended up falling sick and how I was completely freaking out about what shoes to wear because what if I wore the wrong pair and I ended up breaking my ankles or slipping off the mountain completely. And really, WHAT do people wear to climb a mountain? These questions NEVER crossed my mind before. I was completely anxious the night before. It was so intense I felt like I was going for an exam that I didn't prepare for. 

But before that, lets take a deep breath and look at some cloud photos. 

Beautiful isn't it. 

I was completely at peace with everything and everyone at that point of time because when you're faced with such a beautiful sight, nothing really matters. Not even the China lady that shoved her elbow into your face on the plane, not even the due date for the project that I haven't even started, NOTHING mattered. Not even the fact that I was wearing Crocs and my socks were soggy and my hair was in a mess and I have a huge pimple on my lip, nothing mattered.  

This was my spot, at 6am in the morning, just shivering and breathing in all this high mountain air and embroidering this sight, being fully present (and with no wifi) But first, I think I should explain the Crocs: I absolutely had no choice. These were house slippers provided by the lodge, and can I add that they're SO comfortable and the grip is SO good, I was like a ninja in crocs, leaping off rocks and tree roots, jumping across puddles of water just to get from the lodge to this serene spot to watch the sunrise. 

2 hours later, I'm done with Cloud piece. I was freezing. and for some scientific nature reason, the clouds were loosing its fluffiness bit by bit (see right side of photo), so I had to quickly stitch as fast as I could so I could snap a photo with the fluffiness. I was so happy being alone, sitting at the edge listening to Taylor Swift because it was the only thing on my iTunes on my phone because I bought the album when she took it off Spotify, but anyway... happiest moment of my life. 

But how did I get up here? 

Its one journey that I'll NEVER forget. As much as I was dreading the climb, the night before I was quite excited because I mean, how difficult can it get? Children and old ladies have climbed this. It might be a stroll in a park, a LONG stroll with friends with happy camping food right? NO. Hell no. It was mental training, it needs physical strength and also lots and lots of determination. 10mins after we started, I was like "hmm yeah this feels nice, using leg muscles whoohoo, no sweat" 20mins later I was like "OMG CAN I PLEASE CLIMB DOWN NOW, I CANT DO THIS". Honestly, I really wanted to give up...I saw an old man climbing down and I was like "hey where are you going? Are you giving up? its too crazy right!?!? Can I join you, I'll go down with you!" And he's like "oh no, I climbed up all the way yesterday so now i'm just making my way back down" and my heart just sunk to a whole new level.

I realised that theres no other way, I JUST have to do it. Step by step. Groan by groan. I was complaining the WHOLE way, muttering under my breath like "argh omg, i can't do this, my soul is leaving my body, i'll die here, thats it, i can feel my life slipping away, friends....goodbye." but my friends were so supportive they fed me granola bars and apples and they kept cheering me on. 

Anyway heres a list of things I noticed and thought about on my hike up and down:

1) Before the trip, as I was fussing about what shoes to wear...whilst climbing I realised that it really doesn't matter. You can even climb this mountain in Converse or even crocs for that matter. Theres no need to get really good mountain boots or shoes. I hiked up with my friend's army military boots which helped A LOT, but there were lots of people in normal sneakers and they were much faster and agile than I was .

2) "Winners never quit and Quitters never win". Keep chanting this and you'll reach the peak in no time.

3) There was a point of time when I was SO tired and I thought it was impossible to complete the rest of the hike up, but after that plunge of energy...there was this sudden renewed adrenaline that surged through me and allowed me to zoom up the rest of the mountain. I didnt even know where this extra strength came from. I was talking to the trees and the rocks on the way up, maybe they realised that I was their ally. 

4) Be one with Nature. 

5) Crazy things happen when you're on Survivor Mode.  Never underestimate yourself. 

6) I swear theres an elevator somewhere in the mountain that takes you all the way up. I kept tapping on rocks and odd looking stones, maybe if I had the right sequence like *tap tap tap...tap tap* the magical rock will open up and two fairies will fly next to me and say "welcome chosen one" and take me into the rocks and lead me all the way up to the summit where I'll be sipping tea and having cookies whilst I wait for my friends to make their way up. 

But of course that didn't happen. But it didn't stop me from talking and tapping the rocks and making friends with strange leaves because what if they're fairies. 

7) Imagine this: you're tired, its raining, your socks are soaked, your thighs are aching, you just want to make your way down back to civilisation and wifi, but you seem to be going round and round in circles, seeing the same tree, the same curve, the same plant the same route again and again. You're stuck in Mystical Forest. That was what happened exactly, except that I am exaggerating a little. 

The climb down was SO monotonous, everything was the same, the scenery was the same, the trees were the same. We felt like we were going round and round and round in circles with the same taylor swift song going on and on. It was raining so hard that the rain drops actually hurt my skin. But just imagine that you're really stuck in the forest, what would you do? That really scared me. 

8) But before I forget, there were old men and young boys as young as 16 carrying 30kg of load up the mountain at TOP SPEED. I found it extremely amazing. Where do they get so much strength from!? And wow, that determination. Its crazy...in a completely good way. 

(just btw, bragging rights, my friend Pea and I were the first to make it to the lodge) 

feel like I've reached a new level, I mean...I've never experienced whats it like to be drenched in sweat AND rain water and the kind of smell it produces as it dries on your skin and the kind of sticky and grimy feeling it leaves. To have a group of friends whom you can be completely comfortable being smelly and natural with, to snore and look completely unglamorous and know its ok. 

This piece is for you guys : Pea, Sherry, Nick, Mabel, Tim, Amanda and Giff.

Print Brand ALERT: My Tulisan

As a textile designer and illustrator, I have a huge love for prints. Think: Marimekko, Elley Kishimoto, Cath Kidston. If you're thinking "sure, but any close to home in asia?", I HAVE AN ANSWER FOR YOU: My Tulisan. 

My Tulisan is a brand from Indonesia founded by artist Melissa Sunjaya as her way of capturing her thoughts and infusing her emotions into her surroundings. I love this concept! Absolutely! Its what I strive to do as an artist too so Im really inspired by her and her brand. When I visited their first flagship store in Singapore I was completely blown away, prints everywhere! 

RIGHT!? I also love that every print has a story and a process that comes with it. And if you know me well I have a completely weakness for lifestyle products so this shop made my knees weak, I just wanted to take everything. And as a textile graduate I also have to point out that each piece is hand screen printed, so each piece that you own is treated with love and creativity and respect of artisans and craftsmen.

Just think of the labour and work that goes into producing these prints, layers of colour separation, hours of waiting to dry, days of test printing. If you're a creative I'm sure you'd totally understand and you'd have the same appreciation for brands like these and the artist behind it. Don't you?

Thank you My Tulisan for gifting me with such lovely prints that brighten up my wardrobe and life. I mean, really, a hard cover a4 sketchbook that comes with such a lovely print!! Bags with large oversized prints in bold colours!! IM SOLD!!

TOP: Zara
BOTTOM: Uniqlo
SHOES: Pedro
BAG: My Tulisan.  (shop online)

Flagship store in Singapore: 
Mandarin Gallery
Level 4, Unit 28
333A Orchard Road
Singapore 238897

Have a lovely lovely printyy week~~  draw more and write more and inspire people all around. xx

Guilty Pleasures, Endocytosis and Sigh Balls.

How was your weekend? Did you finally catch up on your sleep? Did you go away on a vacation? or did you have to work? I really don't think people should work on weekends it should be completely illegal just saying. but anyway...

My weekend: 

1) I went to a really cool bar called The Library. You have to look out for the password to enter the bar. They have really amazingly creative drinks. I had a pineapple cocktail that was served in a tiki tiki cup which was so cool because it came with the fog and flowers and everything. My friend had a drink that came with popcorn, and another that came with peas. 

The password yesterday was Poker In The Rear. But all I could hear was poke her in the rear, but let's not go there...

2) Whiskey whiskey. Dancing with a glass cup of whiskey in your hands is not a very good idea because a) you smash it into people's faces when your favourite song comes on and b) it drips everywhere and everyone but no one cares so it's fine. 

3) 33 year old angmoh uomini fascinated by 1kg spinning ball in the water. 

4) 7am, Slept in yesterday's clothes. 

5) Sighs around the house. I think if Sighs are visible like a white foam ball or something like overtime someone sighs a white ball appears, the whole house will be filled with Sigh Balls that I wont be able to get to the kitchen without effort. I'd have to waddle in a pool of white Sigh Balls. SIGH. 

btw completely unrelated but Yknow what endocytosis is? I want to describe how I've been feeling the whole week but the only word or process that can describe it is Endocytosis. 

May Book List

Books and words influence my thoughts. Sometimes I think about a particular phrase a lot, sometimes I reflect upon it and it gives me new insight to an old situation. Here are a list of books that I've read and would recommend with all my heart. 

1. Year Of Meats- Ruth Ozeki. I've read "A tale of a time being" by Ozeki and I fell in love with it SO MUCH, that I had to buy another title under her to read more of her words and true enough, this book has so much depth and soul. 
2. Lullaby- Chuck Palahniuk. If you're into religion and ethics, read this now. 
3. The Examined Life- Stephen Grosz. I LOVE THIS BOOK SO MUCH. Its about psychoanalysis and t it gives you so much insight to life. 
4. Quirkology- Richard Wiseman.  If you like science and psychology. 
5. Confessions of a Sociopath- M.E Thomas. again, if you like psychology. 
6. Letteres from a Stoic- Seneca. I can't get enough of this book. Its a book that I can read over and over and over again and get inspired all over again. Every bookshelf needs this book. 

I've been reading some amazing books this month, I can't wait to share them in June's book list!! Lots of gender studies and books on women.