Supermarket: Favourite things

when I go to the supermarket im usually drawn to a couple of things instantly. And I end up buying a whole lot of them not because I need them, but because of the way they make me feel. 

First on my list! 

Preserved pickles and various vegetables. They are so weird and so nice to stare at. Almost like time has frozen for them. Like... A specimen. I buy these so I can bring them home to observe them. But my helper at home usually ends up cooking them. So, it's a win win situation. 

Candles and tea lights! I love love LOVE scented candles absolutely. ARGH. I just want to lie in a pile of them and take deep breaths. I love them even more if they come in various shades! Like... Omg that's brilliant! Putting them all side by side and watching all the different shades melt together. Arghhhhhh. Usually before I sleep, I like to light candles and tea lights around my room and just... Watch them melt. I spend about 10-15 mins doin this, just staring at the light and the melting wax. It's really theraputic. 

Tea light cups. I love these things. I buy too many of them, I don't know why but I'm just so attracted to small things like these... Like glass, nice small cups, small plates... I spend a lot of unnecessary money on these small things every month. 

Shampoo. Ok I don't actually buy a lot of shampoo but I love looking at the POssibility of what the shampoo can do for my hair. Also if it has nice colors, even better! :D 

On the side note, how are you? How is life? As I am writing this I am currently putting on a seaweed/ almond face mask. (Im super loving this mask btw but I will write about it another time, I need some time to test its limits and benefits) Its so hot these days, it's so important to take care of skin. Sunblock everyday!  Xx

Rant

Three sleepless nights in a row. 

I hold on to as much daylight as possible, it brings me temporary comfort. When night falls, my demons creep out from all over, engulfing me in terror and a crimson kind of darkness. I wish things were different, my circumstances are different, that my thoughts will be different too. But I'm made like that, who I am now...I have no regrets. But it seems that being here, I'm put in a box to conform and it makes me feel rigid...stagnant...depressed even. 

And sometimes I apologise for wanting to get out of this box. I'm sorry Im sorry, I'll behave, I'll stay here. Is this box all there is to life? I want to get out, but I don't want to hurt people, I don't want to disappoint. I want to reach out and say, here I am...the world is so big, I am just this insignificant being in such a vast big world, I am probably nothing compared to the magnificence of this world, so take me as I am. Let me explore, let me learn, let me fall, let me get up, let me make mistakes, let me be wounded, let me cry, let me experience joy, let me experience danger, let me experience fear, hopelessness, failure, success, adrenaline, adventure, ecstasy. Let me experience all these, good and bad, but please just don't put me in a box. 

I can't live freely, its like, I'm living under someone else's skin and the real me inside wants to get out and say THIS IS ME, but if I do...I end up hurting the people around me. And then the resentment level increases. And its just a downward spiral....sigh. Ok the end, rant over. Also, I miss you and you probably will never know that.