On being invisible.

When I was 13, I attended a church dinner with my parents. I was my usual chatty self when my parents told me to go make some new friends with the kids there as well. I remember being full of confidence going like "YEAH SURE. I have no problem making friends" so I went up to a bunch of kids my age and said "Hey, whats your name?" and this girl just looked at me and said "Priscilla" and continued eating her food. 

I think about this time a lot. Yknow, like being able to just go up to someone and say "hey, what're you talking about?" and then smoothly join in the conversation without that underlying fear at the back of your mind that somewhere, mid conversation, they are going to give each other that glance and omit you out of it. You know what I'm talking about. 

I guess thats what happens in life, sometimes for whatever reason, you just won't fit in. I've learnt that a couple of times. I've had friends ditch me for no reason, or even if there was a reason, they didnt care enough to tell me. I've sat at tables only to be embarrassed by being asked "who said you could sit?". One day I'm going to school with friends and the next day I'm completely ignored by everyone like some kind of disease. 

Because of these collected experiences, I've grown so accustomed to being by myself, to having lots of alone time. Now at 26, I've become quieter and quieter as the world grew louder and louder. Today, in a room filled with people talking, laughing, superficially complimenting each other,  there is me, sitting in the corner of the big room observing and listening to everyone whilst being completely invisible. 

I find myself slipping into a kind of place where I am just...disconnected from everything. Like, everyone around me forms a kind of web, all linked up and connected to each other whilst I keep fading into the background until I'm gone. I find that so strangely powerful because you can see them, but they can't see you. 

Quick Hi

I attended a friend's wedding this weekend.

They shared their first kiss at the church altar, which sounds super exaggerated but it is not. Believe me. I know this guy. Though this is something I wont do because a) kissing is amazing and b) I dont see the point in abstaining at all, I think what they managed to achieve is super sweet and admirable... like a kind of commitment yknow.

This week has passed by so fast, my days are blurring into each other its getting so messed up I have to wake up and check what day is it. I've been so swamped at work, buried quite deep under but seriously thank god for weekends. 

If only...

(image credit: fehminism.tumblr.com )

Today I got knocked down by a bicycle. 

I was texting and walking at the same time so it was mostly my fault. The uncle on the bike was so rude though, he had a bell and he obviously saw me in my texting stupor but he didnt think of ringing the bell to alert me of his presence. I mean, sure, in a perfect world, everyone would be responsible and do the right thing, but this happened and it was as if he wanted to ram into me out of anger at my stupidity for walking and texting at the same time.

Has it ever occurred to you? Like you see someone doing something stupid and you just want to inflict harm on them. Ok, not really, Harm with a capital H...but you just get so annoyed you just want to walk past them and knock your shoulders against theirs as you storm past. I feel like that towards oblivious walkers and people who hog the right lane on the escalators. I feel like that towards people who walk in a line side by side and block everyone who wants to come through. I feel like that towards people who suddenly stop mid track at the end of the escalator or at entrances. I've done my fair share of rage walking. 

So I completely understand if the uncle wanted to just knock me down because he was annoyed at my senselessness. I fell down on the side of the pavement and hit my elbows, and with that fall, my belongings also fell on the ground. I was SO pissed off. I looked back at the uncle already cycling away and I just wanted to run after him and beat him senseless yknow. 

I was picking my things up and I had this thought, its a very stupid thought but it really crossed my mind. I thought : if I was prettier or "hotter",  maybe the guy wouldnt have done that. Maybe he would have been nicer. In my head I imagined a different scenario, tall skinny pretty me would have adverted the situation when the guy rode past he would have said something like "excuse me miss!" and if I didnt avoid him in time and still fell, he would have stopped to help pick my things up. 

I stood up and brushed off the dirt from the ground and said, no, tee, you need to stop. This is a very dangerous chain of thought and it will lead you to nowhere. I think about that woman somewhere across the globe who is thinking the same "if only I was better, he would not have left me", "if only I was skinnier, I would have more friends." if if if, if only this if only that. 

The first thing I did when I came home was to look at myself in the mirror. 

I looked at my face, my eyes, my nose, my lips...I used my eyes to trace out every single detail of my face. In this process, it hit me, this is me. Me. And I'll be stuck with Me for the rest of my life SO if I dont love Me, who is gonna? So if you're reading and you've had a moment like this, I just want to say that You are beautiful. You are more than how you look. You are so valuable and precious. If only you'd learn to see that in yourself.