Tolstoy and The Taxi Uncle.

Leo Tolstoy is one of my favourite authors of which his book, Anna Karenina is ranked as my favourite No.1 so far. I should also read War and Peace too, but my boyfriend is reading it at the moment (very slowly I must say) and I have a tendency to be overly excited about books...so he's worried that I might spoil the ending for him (I already spoilt Anna Karenina for him), so to be safe...I am waiting for him to finish it before I start reading War and Peace. 

At the moment I have just finished another book by Tolstoy called The Kreutzer Sonata and Other Stories. There are 4 stories in here that all have the common theme of each phase of life having its own kind of love. I enjoyed it very much even though I must say that "The Kreutzer Sonata" made me extremely depressed for 2 days. This particular story was also banned in the 1890s because of its scandalous content. But anyway, Tolstoy's use of language is absolutely beautiful, the words he uses are simple but when they're strung together, they create the perfect emotion and mood that he wants the reader to feel. 

I shall pull out 3 quotes: 

//

"I suddenly felt that this fear was love, a new and even more tender and more powerful love than the one I had experienced before. I felt that I was entirely his, and that I was happy in his power over me" 

"What these people don't seem to understand is that marriage without love isn't marriage at all, love is the only thing that can sanctify a marriage, and the only true marriages are those that are sanctified by love." 

"Most of all those who see in others symptoms of the madness they fail to see in themselves."

//

Today I also learnt that sometimes not-so-favourable situations can actually bring out the best in people. In a situation where negativity prevails, instead of being influenced by this negativity...spread positivity and do good instead. I witnessed how much joy doing this can bring to a person:  I was walking down a hill to the main road to catch a bus when it started drizzling. Also, the haze situation was really bad today. Everywhere looked so foggy and eerie when suddenly a cab driver pulled over and offered me a ride because he said that I shouldn't be out in this kind of weather and I still had a long way to go before I reach the main road. He sent me to my destination absolutely for free! I insisted on paying because this was his rice bowl, but he politely declined and said to me in mandarin that when everyones feeling not so happy about the haze situation, this was the least he could do to help turn the situation around, even if its for only one person.

Thank you Uncle, you have completely inspired me to live in a more gracious and giving way. You've taught me that good things can come out of difficult times. You've showed me how I can do the same for others too! \^_^.

Live life, spread love and show gratitude. My new motto in life. :D

On Free will

I don't know the difference between what I want and what I'm trained to want.
I can't tell what I really want and what I've been trained into wanting.

What i'm talking about is free will. Do we have it or does God dictate and script everything we do and say and want? Do we have free will or do the mass media and our culture control us, our desires and actions, from the moment we are born. Do I have it, or is my mind under the control of a spell? Do I really want a big house, a fast cars and lots of money? Do I really want these things? Or am I trained to want them? Are these things better than the things I already have? Or am I just trained to be dissatisfied with what I have now? Am I just under a spell that says nothing is ever good enough?

If you have no free will, you don't really know what you know. You don't really love who you think you love. What do you have left to live for?

"I say I love you, but I don't want to be used anymore"

Guilty Pleasures, Endocytosis and Sigh Balls.

How was your weekend? Did you finally catch up on your sleep? Did you go away on a vacation? or did you have to work? I really don't think people should work on weekends it should be completely illegal just saying. but anyway...

My weekend: 

1) I went to a really cool bar called The Library. You have to look out for the password to enter the bar. They have really amazingly creative drinks. I had a pineapple cocktail that was served in a tiki tiki cup which was so cool because it came with the fog and flowers and everything. My friend had a drink that came with popcorn, and another that came with peas. 

The password yesterday was Poker In The Rear. But all I could hear was poke her in the rear, but let's not go there...

2) Whiskey whiskey. Dancing with a glass cup of whiskey in your hands is not a very good idea because a) you smash it into people's faces when your favourite song comes on and b) it drips everywhere and everyone but no one cares so it's fine. 

3) 33 year old angmoh uomini fascinated by 1kg spinning ball in the water. 

4) 7am, Slept in yesterday's clothes. 

5) Sighs around the house. I think if Sighs are visible like a white foam ball or something like overtime someone sighs a white ball appears, the whole house will be filled with Sigh Balls that I wont be able to get to the kitchen without effort. I'd have to waddle in a pool of white Sigh Balls. SIGH. 

btw completely unrelated but Yknow what endocytosis is? I want to describe how I've been feeling the whole week but the only word or process that can describe it is Endocytosis. 

blue hues and stacey

You heard Stacey's voice in the crowd, you turned but alls just a sea of faces. You're not sure who Stacey is, what colour hair she has, how far apart her eyes are, her face shape...you don't know anything about Stacey but you recognise her voice. You're sure its her. You slow down and wait for that voice to pass by your right ear in hopes that you can identify Stacey... to finally see her face, to put a face to the name, to her voice.

The rush hour crowd.

Push Push Push. You look back as the crowd pushes on and you strain your ears to listen.

Your phone rings.

You put it to your ear

and she goes "hi teresa, its stacey." 

-

lovely hues in the sky, 

stacey must be saying hi. 

blue hues on the floor,

stacey, stop, please, no more. 

blue hues for tea,

Stacey, let go and be free. 

Journals and writing.

I write a lot, I have a book for everything. 

I see writing as a form of capturing thoughts forever. Yknow how sometimes you think about certain things and then you forget them completely. I wont say that I write about  deep and profound stuff, its usually a lot of random thoughts and observations and reflections and a little bit of trashy writing and bitching once in a while...but I try not to do that as its poison to the soul and to the paper, the trees died for a good cause...so...

At the moment these are the 6 categories of books that I write in.

(from top left to right) 

1) Bible Devotion thoughts

2) Observations and thoughts and dreams (I recently changed to this book because the other one has finished)

3) Sketch book for Meeting notes and sketches (mainly for work)

4) Quotes I love

5) Prayer requests

6) Letters to Anya

These are all so personal to me, but I will share today's entry in the "Observations and thoughts" book.

" having an immediate infatuation or crush on someone is very much like an illness. You do not ask for it. Its an illness, a sickness...you wake up and you think about that person. And if that person doesn't think of you, your stomach cringes in a weird sort of pain. And you have no idea why you feel this way. You try to stop it. Cough it out, sleep it away, but its still there. You don't want it, go away. Its like falling sick. Not love. But the good thing is that day by day it gets better even without medication or without effort. I am writing this now because I know that I'm cured. The bug is gone, i'm no longer sick and hell yes I'm glad I'm free from this ridiculous torment." -1030pm

I encourage everyone to write, write daily...on the train, on the bus, while waiting for a friend, before you sleep...
You'll be surprised by how much more you learn about yourself and how much more clearer your thoughts are.

long walks and falling

I had work today, but I enjoyed it very much. I drew portraits at a youth sailing carnival event and met lots of wonderful people. I mean, there were kids about the age of 6 who carried their own wind sails (is that what its called!?) and sail themselves out to sea. SIX YEARS OLD. and what was I doing at 6?! (actually at 6 I was playing the violin, my mom would make me practice 2 hours everyday so....) 

Below are some photos from my morning walk and also fragments of thoughts from today. 

OBSERVATIONS: 

A girl came over with her smaller sized friend. Small was shy, quiet and she didn't smile. She had a certain look of sadness in her eyes. Sad eyes. Sad but beautiful. She edged towards the chair and she slipped and fell. Small fell. I stood up to see if she was ok, but I could only see the blue balloon bobbling, the balloon that was tied to her wrist. I looked at her friend, Tall. Tall just looked at Small. Small didn't ask for help, so Tall just looked....

Another girl fell. Falling girls. What a sight.

A woman came forward, a woman claiming to be Small's mother. I told her that Small had a fall. Mother said "don't worry about it, thats the least I'm worried about now, she's okay". Tough. Tough Small.

Young boy less than the age of 8, rides bike dangerously flying up and down a ramp. His mother records him on phone and cheers him on. They are both smiling. I wonder how he got to that stage, his mother must have watched him break his bones a million times. But the sun is shining, and they're both radiant, and he is still flying....and landing...and flying....and landing....as he turns to her and says "DID YOU SEE THAT MOM? I DID IT!" and his mom said "thats my boy"

I bet her heart fell, and she got used to it.

Nightfall's list

Whenever I wake up in the morning (or afternoon), I immediately look forward to sleeping again. Such a terrible sloth I am. Sleeping is the most creative thing ever to be honest. I dream so much all the time, its like my idea bank. Whenever I feel uninspired or depressed, I just sleep a lot.  So usually moments before I fall asleep are the most important to me...I usually have a mental checklist of what I have to do before I sleep.

THINGS TO DO BEFORE SLEEPING: 

1) Look at the galaxy. 

Here. 

I seriously do this every night. I have this web page saved in my phone browser so its the first thing I do when I lie down on my bed. If I get sick of this picture (which is probably never), I'll just look for another picture with stars and planets and stuff like that. It reminds me that we're very small....which puts my problems into perspective. I mean, the magnitude of this world...this universe...this galaxy... just puts me to shame that I feel depressed over a stupid text. 

2) Listen to classical music. 

At the moment, I am very much in love with Slavonic Dance No.2, Op. 72. Its the best thing ever, just close your eyes, imagine lines and shapes forming with the music. For me, its an aural and visual sensation because I am synaesthetic. I see colours and associate them with music and sound, so its just very much being in touch and feeling everything... that sensation itself is extremely wonderful. So of course I stress the importance of classical. It has a certain wholeness to it that other music don't seem to have. Dubstep, R&B and the whole yada is just visually extremely messy, especially before you sleep. So no.

Listen to Slavonic Dance here. In case you're wondering:  It starts out with hues of yellow. The strings are from a range of lime green to blue hue. And then it proceeds with the bells with splatters of lilac and yellow. The lower strings are oranges and reds. The flute is most definitely a light blue hue. 

3) Read a book.

Please not books like 50 shades, I have so much to say about that book but I shall leave it for another day. Read books that allow you to reflect and ponder and think think think think think. I mean, I like to do this before I sleep because it allows for moments of reflections and I usually drift of to sleep while in thought...so it allows me to dream a lot. Good dreams, bad dreams, weird dreams...they all inspire me. I also keep a dream journal, which usually consists of very staggered writing like:

"jon pushing around...accidentally killed someone...shocked horror scared...no one says anything. Finds out that person murdered was the mayor...fbi involved...calls me to ask about jon...stalks me...stalks my family...red note on door...I give up...I confess...jon did it...wake up crying"

Books I can re-read over and over again are: Grapefruit by Yoko Ono, Letters from a Stoic by Seneca, Journals of Sylvia Plath and of course, The Bible. I like these books because I can just flip open to any page and read a short excerpt and call it a night.

4) Pray.

I pray because because I believe there is a God that is bigger and much more than I am. I am only human and I am a weak one, there is only so much I can bear...so I give my worries and anxiety to God. I pray also because I trust that there is a God that will take care of me, so I want to thank him for that. I pray because there are things that I cannot control, there are things that I have to let go, there are issues...so many things... When I think of prayer, I think of it as wrapping a parcel and sending it away. A parcel that contains things that you can't have or things that you cling on to that are not good for you...so you present it nicely with nice washi tape and nice wrapping paper because you're cute like that...and then  give it to someone saying "take it from me, these things I can't keep so please burn them for me." and the person does that for you and says "I got it, I'm here for you, I love you" and you say " thank you, thank you and thank you"

and then you close your eyes.

and you go to sleep.
sometimes with a smile on your face.
sometimes with tears in your eyes.
sometimes just knocked out from exhaustion.

but you will always go to sleep knowing that

it will be ok.

Life in progress and Pancakes

Its been a week of ups and downs, I mean, there will always be ups and downs...but this week its more bumpy. However, I've resolved a lot of issues, so thats great...its not instantly solved but its still work in progress...life itself is a lot of work in progress isn't it.

And also I fell ill. But nothing I can't fight, just feeling extremely weak at the moment whilst typing this. My thoughts are also coming to me in random bits. I have so much to say, so maybe blogging after medication is not a very good idea haha.

I wish to write about my point of realisation today:

So I was in bed for the past 24 hours, drugged out and resting. This morning when I woke up, I had a sudden craving for Pancakes. Not any pancakes but the pancakes from macdonalds. I thought about the idea for a bit and contemplated whether I should get out of bed to get pancakes. I sat up and I felt dizzy, I tried to stand and I felt like fainting. Its like that for me every time I fall sick, I get extremely weak. But the vision of me eating pancakes was so overpowering! I just have to get pancakes!! There was no one at home so I decided that if I want pancakes, I needed to do something and not just sit around and wish for one.

So I really did! Omg I can't believe it. In my weak state, I put on a baseball cap to hide my bed hair and took a bus down to macdonalds in my pyjamas and my morning face. My legs felt like they were going to give way seriously, but I kept thinking about how glorious the pancakes would taste, and I kept going. It felt so crazy, my mom would be so angry if she found out. It was like a mission. I felt so determined. I chuckled at how funny this was if I were to die and it makes headlines "GIRL DIES ON BUS ON THE WAY TO GET PANCAKES"because, seriously I felt like I was going to die. Halfway on the bus my stomach started to hurt so bad and I was in so much pain. Have you felt  that kind of intense pain that all you hear and feel is WHITE? (Pain is white btw) But NO, I REFUSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE PAIN ...so then I journeyed on....to find my pancakes.

But to cut to the chase, I got my pancakes finally (I upsized it too hooray) and I made it home safely. I had a glorious breakfast of pancakes and sausage with salted butter and maple syrup while reading Shonagon whilst listening to Debussy. It was one of the most wonderful mornings EVER and whatever discomfort I went through was totally worth it. I realised its the same in life, if you want something, you go get it. As simple as that. Fix your eyes on the goal and get it.

Time to rest. The medication is finally kicking in. May you dream of pancakes tonight :) xx

Things that (really) make me happy

I've been reading this book called The Pillow Book and its amazing. I love it so much. Its written So so so so long ago but it has lots of verses and observations and lists that are applicable in today's world. For an example:

Things That Give a Clean Feeling

• An earthen cup. A new metal bowl.
• A rush mat.
• The play of the light on water as one pours it into a vessel.
• A new wooden chest. 

Sei Shonagon writes stuff like that and I find it extremely inspiring. I was out having drinks with a group of friends and it was such a fun time laughing and talking. As I distanced myself from my physical self being happy, I started making a list in my head.

Things that makes me happy

• Genuine laughter.
• When someone leans their head on my shoulder.
• Crispy Chicken wings.
• Playing a piano/violin duet.
• Reading a book I can relate to.
• Receiving letters.
• When my mother is happy. 
• A nice smelling comfy bed to come home to. 

Lol, totally less poetic compared to Shonagon. I was probably the only person in Harry's in that moment tonight who has ever recalled Shonagon while getting high on....snowball ( a super weak drink btw) 

What makes you happy? Lets create a list of things that make you happy and lets draw it out~ OK LETS GO~ 

23 monday.

3:45pm

I saw her as she walked towards me. She came over to say hi, something was different about her. Something about the way she carried herself. We used to braid dried sage and burn them to cleanse our energy field. We spoke, there were pockets of silence. I said ok lets talk sometime again. My eyes never left hers. From the corner of my eye, she had a cast on her leg. I said bye. I forgot to ask her about what happened to her leg. 

5:45pm

He asked whether I could listen to him now. I said, sure, I'm all ears. He told me about the man who lives in the mountains. The man is hairy and he is afraid of Red. I asked him is that why he is in a red shirt, and he said yes. 

6:00pm

It started to rain. He offered me three umbrellas. I said I only need one, so I picked the red one. Now the mountain man can't come near me. 

7:40pm

"Caleb you are handsome and sexy!"

"Mom! I am handsome, but I am not sexy!" 

"yes you are! You are so sexy!" 

"Mom! I am not sexy!! I am not a girl!Only girls can be sexy!"

*SHOUTS FROM THE KITCHEN: MOM!! HE IS JUST 5!*

"I'm sorry son. I'm sorry my love" 

9:00pm

Can I tell you a secret: I used one damage to cure the other. 

Ok, go.

It was a good day, and thats all to it.
On days like this, I feel like I can conquer everything and anything.

midnight thoughts

One song that I really love is the Theme from Schindler's List. It is absolutely beautiful. Today I played it together with my mother. Me on the violin, mother on the piano. I am most happy when people come together to make music, even more so if its classical. I have a soft spot for that. Is it too much to ask for a man who plays classical piano so we can sit in the middle of our humble house with a beautiful (black) grand piano and we'll fill all corners of the house with beautiful sounds and colors from different tunes after a scrumptious home cooked meal of ravioli and cheese and Meiji coconut flavoured yogurt as desert. How absolutely delightful!!! .......And then after, we will either play Call of Duty or Raving Rabbids...depending on the mood.

Blessings

"What is my object in making a friend? 

To have someone to be able to die for, 

someone I may follow into exile, 

someone for whose life I may put myself up as security 

and pay the price as well." 

-Seneca 

Reunion Dinner and a sock

Its Chinese New Year, again. 

I always look forward to this simple feast prepared by my mom and my house helper. We're the kind of family that never really eat together everyday or even at all, so coming together to eat feels nice...sort of. I'm not very traditional as well, I mean, we don't have much family here in Singapore...so theres not a lot of people to visit. Its more like a time to just hang out as a family and sleep and eat a lot. Also, lots of shops are closed because everyone is celebrating Chinese New Year. So theres really nothing much to do this week...I shall catch up on my reading and embroidery. I've stocked up on my favourite Meiji Coconut Yogurt so I can stay at home for the rest of the week. NO PROBLEM. 

Happy Chinese New Year to you!
Huat ah~~~~~

Btw as I was ending this post I suddenly remembered my dream from last night. I think the tension between me and my parents is building up to the point where I dreamt that I shouted at them "I WISH I WAS NEVER BORN" and then in an instant, I turned into a sock. A screaming sock. So I woke up screaming. But actually socks can't scream. So ... what a weird dream.

My week of food

One thing I love about being in Singapore is that there is such a large variety of food everywhere, and almost everything is so yummy. Heres my week, in food. This is not a food blog, these are just my thoughts, so...

1) Chicken Rice

Where: Somewhere along Princep Street, I don't know the address.

Price: SGD$3.50

Thoughts while eating: I only have 15mins to eat. Why are there so many pigeons on the other table. I hope they never come near me, I hate pigeons. omg they are staring at me. I need to eat this at top speed and leave. 

2) Garlic Kani Fried Rice 

Where: Sakae Sushi Tepanyaki 

Price: SGD$5

Thoughts while eating : *silent orchestral fireworks exploding inside my tummy* This is so good, should I offer it to my friends to try? They are asking me to try. Should I share? What Would Jesus Do? 

3) Creamy Lobster Bisque 

Where: Soup Stock Tokyo (313) 

Price: SGD$12

Thoughts while eating: I only have 15mins to eat. oh I really hope these chunks in the soup are lobster dices and not onions because I hate onions. 

4) Prawn Zi Char

Where: Somewhere along Farrer Park.

Price: I am not sure.

Thoughts while eating: I hope I packed my antihistamine in my bag, because hell is about to break loose. 

5) Poached Eggs with honey baked ham + muffin 

Where: Oriole

Price: SGD$15

Thoughts while eating: Should I eat with one hand and use the other hand to prop my book up so I can read? Or should I put my book down and eat with both hands? And what time is it, why is Colin not here yet. 

6) Subway Teriyaki Chicken + Egg Mayo + cheddar cheese + no vegetables

Where: Subway

Price: SGD$11

Thoughts while eating: I only have 15mins to eat this. Should I walk and eat? But what if a pigeon attacks me? 

China Town

"For I force my mind to become self-absorbed and not let outside things distract it." - Seneca 

How was your day. 

Mine went like this:

And my favourite photo of today has got to be these 2 Japanese kids. Absolutely lovely kids caught in their moment. 

I am totally dreading this week to be honest. I have so many things to do and places to be at, I want to just watch a movie, go for a nice dinner, a concert, or even just read the books that I bought (I've been buying wayyyy too many books now) .T_T I can't wait for Chinese New Year, I mean, since I don't have much family here to visit, CNY is usually done in 3  hours for me...so that means I have a mini 3 day holiday to catch up on some readings and tv shows. Yay. 

Lessons from Anne. (and also a review)

I slept so much today. 

I woke up at 9am and then I just stayed in bed until 11am because I decided that I was hungry. But there was no food at home, I crawled back into bed to sleep. You might think 'What a lazy girl you are', but I must add that I am not usually like this. I am usually up and about busy with work or making this, painting that, sewing this, drawing that. I seem to have lost it for awhile, but pardon me while I push through this envelope of blues. 

I decided since I have time away from work, I should finish reading Anne Frank. And I have to say that it inspired me so much and it kind of lifted my negative spirits away for a moment. I was truly truly inspired and absolutely moved by her words and thoughts. To think they were written without an audience makes it even much more genuine and personal. Yknow, thats the thing about blogging...somehow you write because of an audience. True enough, I started this blog because I wanted to get my work out there...but then as time goes by I begin to feel like its an outlet of expression for thoughts, feelings, even stories and crazy talk...I don't know, I feel so crazy sometimes its like I want to write everything down so that if someone happens to feel the same way as me, he/she will know that they're not alone. 

In a society now where people puts up false or altered images of themselves or their lives on social media to paint a picture of perfection, its dangerous. I say this because many will constantly feel like they fall below expectation of the "perfect life". Like "omg she has so many friends, i bet she's never lonely like I am, my life sucks." or "omg she has the perfect body and she's a model, I'm sure her life is perfect, my life sucks." I'm sure you know what I mean when you scroll through someone's social media and then you feel this pang in your heart like "why isn't my life like that, omg I'm such a loser, what am I doing here." I don't know how I digressed to this, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to steer away from that false pretence, I mean, the whole point of having a blog is to be real right? And it sucks to be me now because as you already know, I am in the middle of a depression. 

SO.

I shall leave you with some quotes from Anne frank. Maybe they'll inspire you as well. :) 

-

"Can you tell me why people go to such lengths to hide their real selves? Or why I always behave very differently when I'm in the company of others? Why do people have so little trust in one another? I know there must be a reason, but sometimes I think its horrible that you can't ever confide in anyone, not even those closest to you." - Anne Frank 

"The best remedy for those who are frightened, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere they can be alone, alone with the sky, nature and God. For then and only then can you feel that everything is as it should be and that God wants people to be happy amid nature's beauty and simplicity. " -Anne Frank 

"Riches, prestige, everything can be lost. But the happiness in your own heart can only be dimmed; it will always be there, as long as you live, to make you happy again." - Anne Frank 

"Whenever you're feeling lonely or sad, try going to the loft on a beautiful day and looking outside. Not at the houses and the rooftops, but at the sky. As long as you can look fearlessly at the sky, you'll know that you're pure within and will find happiness once more."- Anne Frank 

Hot cold.

Hello, 

after the breakdown that day because of work related stress, I have realised how much of a carnivore I am. That aside, I have done myself a favour of not touching my emails or doing any work at all. whoohoo. Yesterday has been a good day of rest with people that I love, cooking, cycling and just lots of heart to heart talk about the future...concerns and about life in general. Suddenly I realise that I'm not alone, I'm never alone because these are REAL people who journey together with me, and I with them... in God's never failing love. 

x

-

T: do you know I'm so tired now that I can't even open my eyes.

S: do you know my friend woke up one day and thought she was a table? 

The Girl who woke up and Thought she was a Table. What a lovely title for a possible story or illustration series don't you think? . 

-