Tolstoy and The Taxi Uncle.

Leo Tolstoy is one of my favourite authors of which his book, Anna Karenina is ranked as my favourite No.1 so far. I should also read War and Peace too, but my boyfriend is reading it at the moment (very slowly I must say) and I have a tendency to be overly excited about books...so he's worried that I might spoil the ending for him (I already spoilt Anna Karenina for him), so to be safe...I am waiting for him to finish it before I start reading War and Peace. 

At the moment I have just finished another book by Tolstoy called The Kreutzer Sonata and Other Stories. There are 4 stories in here that all have the common theme of each phase of life having its own kind of love. I enjoyed it very much even though I must say that "The Kreutzer Sonata" made me extremely depressed for 2 days. This particular story was also banned in the 1890s because of its scandalous content. But anyway, Tolstoy's use of language is absolutely beautiful, the words he uses are simple but when they're strung together, they create the perfect emotion and mood that he wants the reader to feel. 

I shall pull out 3 quotes: 

//

"I suddenly felt that this fear was love, a new and even more tender and more powerful love than the one I had experienced before. I felt that I was entirely his, and that I was happy in his power over me" 

"What these people don't seem to understand is that marriage without love isn't marriage at all, love is the only thing that can sanctify a marriage, and the only true marriages are those that are sanctified by love." 

"Most of all those who see in others symptoms of the madness they fail to see in themselves."

//

Today I also learnt that sometimes not-so-favourable situations can actually bring out the best in people. In a situation where negativity prevails, instead of being influenced by this negativity...spread positivity and do good instead. I witnessed how much joy doing this can bring to a person:  I was walking down a hill to the main road to catch a bus when it started drizzling. Also, the haze situation was really bad today. Everywhere looked so foggy and eerie when suddenly a cab driver pulled over and offered me a ride because he said that I shouldn't be out in this kind of weather and I still had a long way to go before I reach the main road. He sent me to my destination absolutely for free! I insisted on paying because this was his rice bowl, but he politely declined and said to me in mandarin that when everyones feeling not so happy about the haze situation, this was the least he could do to help turn the situation around, even if its for only one person.

Thank you Uncle, you have completely inspired me to live in a more gracious and giving way. You've taught me that good things can come out of difficult times. You've showed me how I can do the same for others too! \^_^.

Live life, spread love and show gratitude. My new motto in life. :D

On Free will

I don't know the difference between what I want and what I'm trained to want.
I can't tell what I really want and what I've been trained into wanting.

What i'm talking about is free will. Do we have it or does God dictate and script everything we do and say and want? Do we have free will or do the mass media and our culture control us, our desires and actions, from the moment we are born. Do I have it, or is my mind under the control of a spell? Do I really want a big house, a fast cars and lots of money? Do I really want these things? Or am I trained to want them? Are these things better than the things I already have? Or am I just trained to be dissatisfied with what I have now? Am I just under a spell that says nothing is ever good enough?

If you have no free will, you don't really know what you know. You don't really love who you think you love. What do you have left to live for?

"I say I love you, but I don't want to be used anymore"

Mt Kota Kinabalu, Fairies and Taylor Swift.

I'd never imagine myself climbing a mountain ever...EVER. I'm completely not sporty at all, I'm adventurous at times but not to the level of wanting or desiring to fly out of singapore to climb a freakin mountain. But thats what I did... and I have LOTS  to say about this like many weeks before this I was trying to train for this trip but I ended up falling sick and how I was completely freaking out about what shoes to wear because what if I wore the wrong pair and I ended up breaking my ankles or slipping off the mountain completely. And really, WHAT do people wear to climb a mountain? These questions NEVER crossed my mind before. I was completely anxious the night before. It was so intense I felt like I was going for an exam that I didn't prepare for. 

But before that, lets take a deep breath and look at some cloud photos. 

Beautiful isn't it. 

I was completely at peace with everything and everyone at that point of time because when you're faced with such a beautiful sight, nothing really matters. Not even the China lady that shoved her elbow into your face on the plane, not even the due date for the project that I haven't even started, NOTHING mattered. Not even the fact that I was wearing Crocs and my socks were soggy and my hair was in a mess and I have a huge pimple on my lip, nothing mattered.  

This was my spot, at 6am in the morning, just shivering and breathing in all this high mountain air and embroidering this sight, being fully present (and with no wifi) But first, I think I should explain the Crocs: I absolutely had no choice. These were house slippers provided by the lodge, and can I add that they're SO comfortable and the grip is SO good, I was like a ninja in crocs, leaping off rocks and tree roots, jumping across puddles of water just to get from the lodge to this serene spot to watch the sunrise. 

2 hours later, I'm done with Cloud piece. I was freezing. and for some scientific nature reason, the clouds were loosing its fluffiness bit by bit (see right side of photo), so I had to quickly stitch as fast as I could so I could snap a photo with the fluffiness. I was so happy being alone, sitting at the edge listening to Taylor Swift because it was the only thing on my iTunes on my phone because I bought the album when she took it off Spotify, but anyway... happiest moment of my life. 

But how did I get up here? 

Its one journey that I'll NEVER forget. As much as I was dreading the climb, the night before I was quite excited because I mean, how difficult can it get? Children and old ladies have climbed this. It might be a stroll in a park, a LONG stroll with friends with happy camping food right? NO. Hell no. It was mental training, it needs physical strength and also lots and lots of determination. 10mins after we started, I was like "hmm yeah this feels nice, using leg muscles whoohoo, no sweat" 20mins later I was like "OMG CAN I PLEASE CLIMB DOWN NOW, I CANT DO THIS". Honestly, I really wanted to give up...I saw an old man climbing down and I was like "hey where are you going? Are you giving up? its too crazy right!?!? Can I join you, I'll go down with you!" And he's like "oh no, I climbed up all the way yesterday so now i'm just making my way back down" and my heart just sunk to a whole new level.

I realised that theres no other way, I JUST have to do it. Step by step. Groan by groan. I was complaining the WHOLE way, muttering under my breath like "argh omg, i can't do this, my soul is leaving my body, i'll die here, thats it, i can feel my life slipping away, friends....goodbye." but my friends were so supportive they fed me granola bars and apples and they kept cheering me on. 

Anyway heres a list of things I noticed and thought about on my hike up and down:

1) Before the trip, as I was fussing about what shoes to wear...whilst climbing I realised that it really doesn't matter. You can even climb this mountain in Converse or even crocs for that matter. Theres no need to get really good mountain boots or shoes. I hiked up with my friend's army military boots which helped A LOT, but there were lots of people in normal sneakers and they were much faster and agile than I was .

2) "Winners never quit and Quitters never win". Keep chanting this and you'll reach the peak in no time.

3) There was a point of time when I was SO tired and I thought it was impossible to complete the rest of the hike up, but after that plunge of energy...there was this sudden renewed adrenaline that surged through me and allowed me to zoom up the rest of the mountain. I didnt even know where this extra strength came from. I was talking to the trees and the rocks on the way up, maybe they realised that I was their ally. 

4) Be one with Nature. 

5) Crazy things happen when you're on Survivor Mode.  Never underestimate yourself. 

6) I swear theres an elevator somewhere in the mountain that takes you all the way up. I kept tapping on rocks and odd looking stones, maybe if I had the right sequence like *tap tap tap...tap tap* the magical rock will open up and two fairies will fly next to me and say "welcome chosen one" and take me into the rocks and lead me all the way up to the summit where I'll be sipping tea and having cookies whilst I wait for my friends to make their way up. 

But of course that didn't happen. But it didn't stop me from talking and tapping the rocks and making friends with strange leaves because what if they're fairies. 

7) Imagine this: you're tired, its raining, your socks are soaked, your thighs are aching, you just want to make your way down back to civilisation and wifi, but you seem to be going round and round in circles, seeing the same tree, the same curve, the same plant the same route again and again. You're stuck in Mystical Forest. That was what happened exactly, except that I am exaggerating a little. 

The climb down was SO monotonous, everything was the same, the scenery was the same, the trees were the same. We felt like we were going round and round and round in circles with the same taylor swift song going on and on. It was raining so hard that the rain drops actually hurt my skin. But just imagine that you're really stuck in the forest, what would you do? That really scared me. 

8) But before I forget, there were old men and young boys as young as 16 carrying 30kg of load up the mountain at TOP SPEED. I found it extremely amazing. Where do they get so much strength from!? And wow, that determination. Its crazy...in a completely good way. 

(just btw, bragging rights, my friend Pea and I were the first to make it to the lodge) 

feel like I've reached a new level, I mean...I've never experienced whats it like to be drenched in sweat AND rain water and the kind of smell it produces as it dries on your skin and the kind of sticky and grimy feeling it leaves. To have a group of friends whom you can be completely comfortable being smelly and natural with, to snore and look completely unglamorous and know its ok. 

This piece is for you guys : Pea, Sherry, Nick, Mabel, Tim, Amanda and Giff.

Guilty Pleasures, Endocytosis and Sigh Balls.

How was your weekend? Did you finally catch up on your sleep? Did you go away on a vacation? or did you have to work? I really don't think people should work on weekends it should be completely illegal just saying. but anyway...

My weekend: 

1) I went to a really cool bar called The Library. You have to look out for the password to enter the bar. They have really amazingly creative drinks. I had a pineapple cocktail that was served in a tiki tiki cup which was so cool because it came with the fog and flowers and everything. My friend had a drink that came with popcorn, and another that came with peas. 

The password yesterday was Poker In The Rear. But all I could hear was poke her in the rear, but let's not go there...

2) Whiskey whiskey. Dancing with a glass cup of whiskey in your hands is not a very good idea because a) you smash it into people's faces when your favourite song comes on and b) it drips everywhere and everyone but no one cares so it's fine. 

3) 33 year old angmoh uomini fascinated by 1kg spinning ball in the water. 

4) 7am, Slept in yesterday's clothes. 

5) Sighs around the house. I think if Sighs are visible like a white foam ball or something like overtime someone sighs a white ball appears, the whole house will be filled with Sigh Balls that I wont be able to get to the kitchen without effort. I'd have to waddle in a pool of white Sigh Balls. SIGH. 

btw completely unrelated but Yknow what endocytosis is? I want to describe how I've been feeling the whole week but the only word or process that can describe it is Endocytosis. 

May Book List

Books and words influence my thoughts. Sometimes I think about a particular phrase a lot, sometimes I reflect upon it and it gives me new insight to an old situation. Here are a list of books that I've read and would recommend with all my heart. 

1. Year Of Meats- Ruth Ozeki. I've read "A tale of a time being" by Ozeki and I fell in love with it SO MUCH, that I had to buy another title under her to read more of her words and true enough, this book has so much depth and soul. 
2. Lullaby- Chuck Palahniuk. If you're into religion and ethics, read this now. 
3. The Examined Life- Stephen Grosz. I LOVE THIS BOOK SO MUCH. Its about psychoanalysis and t it gives you so much insight to life. 
4. Quirkology- Richard Wiseman.  If you like science and psychology. 
5. Confessions of a Sociopath- M.E Thomas. again, if you like psychology. 
6. Letteres from a Stoic- Seneca. I can't get enough of this book. Its a book that I can read over and over and over again and get inspired all over again. Every bookshelf needs this book. 

I've been reading some amazing books this month, I can't wait to share them in June's book list!! Lots of gender studies and books on women. 

Brighter Day

oh its so difficult to write about feelings,

these feelings I have, swirling swirling swirling, 

like a dark black curse about to engulf.

Oh Anya, do you know how I feel!!

oh how my mind stirs,

how should I say goodnight,

how do I sleep

when you're not in sight.

oh Anya, fight for me please, 

with all your might! 

It difficult! 

I write and I tear and I write and I tear.

Take these away please for I can't bear the night.

oh Anya, come here, feel my heart and then rip it out.

Rip it out! so that I will never feel for him again. Rip it out! 

Anya, Anya! I'm sick!!

Make me one of your warrior potions,

so that when daylight comes,

my mind will be free again.

Take this sickness away, 

Anya, promise me tomorrow will be a brighter day.

Birthday Love and Spectacles Situation

SORRY FOR THE LACK OF WORDS.

This week has been so entirely busy I don't even know where to start. But I'm so glad that its over, this week would be such a chill and relaxed week IM GLAD! :D How is everyone, thank you for visiting my blog. Bless you child. What is happening now? How was your week? The only highlight of my week was my friend's Avril's birthday! It was a surprise party and I love surprise parties because I get to anticipate the person arriving and it makes me squeal with excitement i can't sit still like omgomgomg is she here yet OMG SHES HERE. 

But here she is! Beautiful Avril with my birthday gift of 1000000 cute panties for a lawyer. 

It was such a fun night!

Also, totally random, but you might be wondering why am I wearing spectacles when I wear contact lenses. I wear colored contacts btw but my prescription degree is +4.75. However I am only wearing contact lenses with prescription degree of +4.00. Hence sometimes I wear spects over my contact lenses. Also, you must be thinking "why can't you just wear contact lenses of +4.75 degree then!" well the answer would be because I like the option of wearing spectacles on and off! And also if I were to answer you in ONE word it would be: Vanity.

there! Im not complaining, and I can't complain because I get wonderful sponsors who sponsor my eye wears which makes me so so so so super happy (and vain)  hehehehehehe.

Ok I digress! Want to know a funny story? I was wearing my spectacles today on the train because I was reading and there was a nice looking guy seated opposite me. For some reason, I thought I was wearing my shades so I looked up and stared at him thinking like "what a hottie..." and for some strange reason, he was staring right straight at me!?!? like OMG? So I was thinking like "hmm, thankful for these shades, I don't think he realises that Im staring straight at him. *squints eyes*" and he was like *squints + frowns eyes* in a way that it meant to say "WHY ARE YOU STARING AT ME IN SUCH A CREEPY WAY?!" and at that moment, I suddenly realised I was NOT wearing shades and I was SO embarrassed. I don't even know how to salvage the situation. I just pretended I was deep in thought and spacing out in his direction before looking back at my book.

*twiddles thumbs*

blue hues and stacey

You heard Stacey's voice in the crowd, you turned but alls just a sea of faces. You're not sure who Stacey is, what colour hair she has, how far apart her eyes are, her face shape...you don't know anything about Stacey but you recognise her voice. You're sure its her. You slow down and wait for that voice to pass by your right ear in hopes that you can identify Stacey... to finally see her face, to put a face to the name, to her voice.

The rush hour crowd.

Push Push Push. You look back as the crowd pushes on and you strain your ears to listen.

Your phone rings.

You put it to your ear

and she goes "hi teresa, its stacey." 

-

lovely hues in the sky, 

stacey must be saying hi. 

blue hues on the floor,

stacey, stop, please, no more. 

blue hues for tea,

Stacey, let go and be free. 

In all honesty...

This morning I want to write about this space and my water bottle.

There were many times this week when I wanted to type and type and type about my thoughts here but I'm starting to feel like I shouldn't. I used to feel free, like I can say anything I want and its ok, I started out this blog having only like 5 views a day at most...and I felt comfortable with that because its like a shared world...like I don't know who you are but you're reading my words...even if its just one person reading my words everyday, I feel that sense of wanting to share. Like a secret friend kinda thing. 

So now, because of all the publicity for my works which I am eternally grateful for btw, my blog hits crazy numbers everyday...I get really scared by the numbers. I feel awkward, like...how I would be in a large room of people, or like a party. Sometimes I wish I could be a water bottle on the table. So anyway let me digress a little, I was at a house party and everyone was just mingling, I mean...yeah I can do that too but sometimes it gets very emotionally draining for me to just switch and talk to so many people, so I was just staring at the kitchen table and I saw a water bottle just sitting so calmly in the middle of the chaos. SO, I went to join the water bottle, and we observed the party going by... before a really drunk girl came up to me and started crying because she said she loves my hair. 

So anyway, what I'm saying is that, I realised I don't know how to deal with the audience. I don't know how bloggers do that...I'm not even saying I'm famous or even popular. I am not. Its just this sudden ability to influence people in the words I say or the things I post up...I'm like...damn...I don't know how to do this...I'm afraid to say the wrong things, or do the wrong things, or I have to be more careful now...or maybe I shouldn't post too many selfies!? 

Btw, I totally took the water bottle from the kitchen at the house party that I went to (I asked the host if I could have it! I didn't steal it! He def gave me a weird look but he said if I wanted it, I could have it!), so now we face chaos together. Just me, and my water bottle. 

Journals and writing.

I write a lot, I have a book for everything. 

I see writing as a form of capturing thoughts forever. Yknow how sometimes you think about certain things and then you forget them completely. I wont say that I write about  deep and profound stuff, its usually a lot of random thoughts and observations and reflections and a little bit of trashy writing and bitching once in a while...but I try not to do that as its poison to the soul and to the paper, the trees died for a good cause...so...

At the moment these are the 6 categories of books that I write in.

(from top left to right) 

1) Bible Devotion thoughts

2) Observations and thoughts and dreams (I recently changed to this book because the other one has finished)

3) Sketch book for Meeting notes and sketches (mainly for work)

4) Quotes I love

5) Prayer requests

6) Letters to Anya

These are all so personal to me, but I will share today's entry in the "Observations and thoughts" book.

" having an immediate infatuation or crush on someone is very much like an illness. You do not ask for it. Its an illness, a sickness...you wake up and you think about that person. And if that person doesn't think of you, your stomach cringes in a weird sort of pain. And you have no idea why you feel this way. You try to stop it. Cough it out, sleep it away, but its still there. You don't want it, go away. Its like falling sick. Not love. But the good thing is that day by day it gets better even without medication or without effort. I am writing this now because I know that I'm cured. The bug is gone, i'm no longer sick and hell yes I'm glad I'm free from this ridiculous torment." -1030pm

I encourage everyone to write, write daily...on the train, on the bus, while waiting for a friend, before you sleep...
You'll be surprised by how much more you learn about yourself and how much more clearer your thoughts are.

long walks and falling

I had work today, but I enjoyed it very much. I drew portraits at a youth sailing carnival event and met lots of wonderful people. I mean, there were kids about the age of 6 who carried their own wind sails (is that what its called!?) and sail themselves out to sea. SIX YEARS OLD. and what was I doing at 6?! (actually at 6 I was playing the violin, my mom would make me practice 2 hours everyday so....) 

Below are some photos from my morning walk and also fragments of thoughts from today. 

OBSERVATIONS: 

A girl came over with her smaller sized friend. Small was shy, quiet and she didn't smile. She had a certain look of sadness in her eyes. Sad eyes. Sad but beautiful. She edged towards the chair and she slipped and fell. Small fell. I stood up to see if she was ok, but I could only see the blue balloon bobbling, the balloon that was tied to her wrist. I looked at her friend, Tall. Tall just looked at Small. Small didn't ask for help, so Tall just looked....

Another girl fell. Falling girls. What a sight.

A woman came forward, a woman claiming to be Small's mother. I told her that Small had a fall. Mother said "don't worry about it, thats the least I'm worried about now, she's okay". Tough. Tough Small.

Young boy less than the age of 8, rides bike dangerously flying up and down a ramp. His mother records him on phone and cheers him on. They are both smiling. I wonder how he got to that stage, his mother must have watched him break his bones a million times. But the sun is shining, and they're both radiant, and he is still flying....and landing...and flying....and landing....as he turns to her and says "DID YOU SEE THAT MOM? I DID IT!" and his mom said "thats my boy"

I bet her heart fell, and she got used to it.

Nightfall's list

Whenever I wake up in the morning (or afternoon), I immediately look forward to sleeping again. Such a terrible sloth I am. Sleeping is the most creative thing ever to be honest. I dream so much all the time, its like my idea bank. Whenever I feel uninspired or depressed, I just sleep a lot.  So usually moments before I fall asleep are the most important to me...I usually have a mental checklist of what I have to do before I sleep.

THINGS TO DO BEFORE SLEEPING: 

1) Look at the galaxy. 

Here. 

I seriously do this every night. I have this web page saved in my phone browser so its the first thing I do when I lie down on my bed. If I get sick of this picture (which is probably never), I'll just look for another picture with stars and planets and stuff like that. It reminds me that we're very small....which puts my problems into perspective. I mean, the magnitude of this world...this universe...this galaxy... just puts me to shame that I feel depressed over a stupid text. 

2) Listen to classical music. 

At the moment, I am very much in love with Slavonic Dance No.2, Op. 72. Its the best thing ever, just close your eyes, imagine lines and shapes forming with the music. For me, its an aural and visual sensation because I am synaesthetic. I see colours and associate them with music and sound, so its just very much being in touch and feeling everything... that sensation itself is extremely wonderful. So of course I stress the importance of classical. It has a certain wholeness to it that other music don't seem to have. Dubstep, R&B and the whole yada is just visually extremely messy, especially before you sleep. So no.

Listen to Slavonic Dance here. In case you're wondering:  It starts out with hues of yellow. The strings are from a range of lime green to blue hue. And then it proceeds with the bells with splatters of lilac and yellow. The lower strings are oranges and reds. The flute is most definitely a light blue hue. 

3) Read a book.

Please not books like 50 shades, I have so much to say about that book but I shall leave it for another day. Read books that allow you to reflect and ponder and think think think think think. I mean, I like to do this before I sleep because it allows for moments of reflections and I usually drift of to sleep while in thought...so it allows me to dream a lot. Good dreams, bad dreams, weird dreams...they all inspire me. I also keep a dream journal, which usually consists of very staggered writing like:

"jon pushing around...accidentally killed someone...shocked horror scared...no one says anything. Finds out that person murdered was the mayor...fbi involved...calls me to ask about jon...stalks me...stalks my family...red note on door...I give up...I confess...jon did it...wake up crying"

Books I can re-read over and over again are: Grapefruit by Yoko Ono, Letters from a Stoic by Seneca, Journals of Sylvia Plath and of course, The Bible. I like these books because I can just flip open to any page and read a short excerpt and call it a night.

4) Pray.

I pray because because I believe there is a God that is bigger and much more than I am. I am only human and I am a weak one, there is only so much I can bear...so I give my worries and anxiety to God. I pray also because I trust that there is a God that will take care of me, so I want to thank him for that. I pray because there are things that I cannot control, there are things that I have to let go, there are issues...so many things... When I think of prayer, I think of it as wrapping a parcel and sending it away. A parcel that contains things that you can't have or things that you cling on to that are not good for you...so you present it nicely with nice washi tape and nice wrapping paper because you're cute like that...and then  give it to someone saying "take it from me, these things I can't keep so please burn them for me." and the person does that for you and says "I got it, I'm here for you, I love you" and you say " thank you, thank you and thank you"

and then you close your eyes.

and you go to sleep.
sometimes with a smile on your face.
sometimes with tears in your eyes.
sometimes just knocked out from exhaustion.

but you will always go to sleep knowing that

it will be ok.

Life in progress and Pancakes

Its been a week of ups and downs, I mean, there will always be ups and downs...but this week its more bumpy. However, I've resolved a lot of issues, so thats great...its not instantly solved but its still work in progress...life itself is a lot of work in progress isn't it.

And also I fell ill. But nothing I can't fight, just feeling extremely weak at the moment whilst typing this. My thoughts are also coming to me in random bits. I have so much to say, so maybe blogging after medication is not a very good idea haha.

I wish to write about my point of realisation today:

So I was in bed for the past 24 hours, drugged out and resting. This morning when I woke up, I had a sudden craving for Pancakes. Not any pancakes but the pancakes from macdonalds. I thought about the idea for a bit and contemplated whether I should get out of bed to get pancakes. I sat up and I felt dizzy, I tried to stand and I felt like fainting. Its like that for me every time I fall sick, I get extremely weak. But the vision of me eating pancakes was so overpowering! I just have to get pancakes!! There was no one at home so I decided that if I want pancakes, I needed to do something and not just sit around and wish for one.

So I really did! Omg I can't believe it. In my weak state, I put on a baseball cap to hide my bed hair and took a bus down to macdonalds in my pyjamas and my morning face. My legs felt like they were going to give way seriously, but I kept thinking about how glorious the pancakes would taste, and I kept going. It felt so crazy, my mom would be so angry if she found out. It was like a mission. I felt so determined. I chuckled at how funny this was if I were to die and it makes headlines "GIRL DIES ON BUS ON THE WAY TO GET PANCAKES"because, seriously I felt like I was going to die. Halfway on the bus my stomach started to hurt so bad and I was in so much pain. Have you felt  that kind of intense pain that all you hear and feel is WHITE? (Pain is white btw) But NO, I REFUSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE PAIN ...so then I journeyed on....to find my pancakes.

But to cut to the chase, I got my pancakes finally (I upsized it too hooray) and I made it home safely. I had a glorious breakfast of pancakes and sausage with salted butter and maple syrup while reading Shonagon whilst listening to Debussy. It was one of the most wonderful mornings EVER and whatever discomfort I went through was totally worth it. I realised its the same in life, if you want something, you go get it. As simple as that. Fix your eyes on the goal and get it.

Time to rest. The medication is finally kicking in. May you dream of pancakes tonight :) xx